A new mum who spent five hours each day cleaning has told of how her severe OCD plagued her with thoughts that her own children were 'dirty'.
Angel Stagg, 25, said her cleaning routine took over her whole mornings - but then felt guilty for not spending enough time with her kids, describing the experience as 'awful'.
The mum-of-two began to suffer with intense low moods after the birth of her daughter Evelyn, now two, in February 2020. But the thoughts became more intense after the birth of her second child, Jackson, one, in May 2021.
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She said a voice in her head told her 'everything was dirty', convincing her even her bathroom was too filthy to use - meaning she would go days without washing.
Angel, a social media content creator, from Hassocks, West Sussex - who is pregnant with her third child - said the thoughts started after she 'struggled to bond' with Evelyn initially.
"As a first-time mum I didn't know what to expect, but I couldn't bond with her," she said. "I would look at her and everything to do with her was a chore - like changing her nappy and feeding her. I would look at my daughter and just think, 'I don't want to be a mum.'
"I despised the life I had at that point. This was just before the first lockdown, so I was on my own until after my son was born. I always had this feeling that I was dirty, that the kids were dirty, no matter how much I cleaned around the house.
"I would get incredibly anxious, and couldn't relax."
After falling pregnant with her son, Jackson, in September 2020, Angel began to worry about what would happen post-birth after her first experience.
"Jackson was born on May 31, 2021, and that's when the intrusive thoughts started to set in," Angel explained.
"It was like I had a voice in my head that would say tell me everything was dirty, especially the kids."
Angel would get up every morning and do a 'big clean' lasting around five hours. But after feeling guilty about not spending enough time with her children she reached out to her GP for help.
''They were really understanding and just confiding about it and being listened to helped so much," she said. "It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders."
Angel was diagnosed with postpartum depression and OCD in August 2021. She is now on an anti-depressant medication - and said it 'does help ease' her symptoms.
"It gives me the ability to get out of bed each morning and face the day," she explained.
Angel is now expecting her third child, due in June 2023. She said it has been a 'difficult' pregnancy, and she has suffered from 'instrusive thoughts' about swerving off the road and hitting a tree while driving with her kids in the car.
Angel has been referred to have talking therapy through the NHS Time to Talk scheme. Her partner Conor said: "It's impossible to comprehend if it's not happening to you.
"It's hard to understand, you almost feel helpless. It's hard to see how she struggled to get help, it was such a long process to get the help she needed."
Angel now speaks openly about her experiences with maternal mental health through her Instagram account @apparentlyangel.
"I started the account in lockdown," she said. "I've received messages from women saying they're glad they've found my page and thanking me for speaking up about it."
Angel wants to let other mums struggling with similar symptoms know they are not alone.
"I would say to not feel like you're crazy, because you're not.
"Speak up and ask for help."
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