Orthopaedic bed to good home. Excellent condition. One elderly owner. Apply Brookfield, Ambridge.
After a spirited rendition of My Old Man Said Follow the Van, Ruth’s mother, Heather, died in Nottingham on the way to Ambridge. Prompting, one can only feel, ungracious comments from Jill, Ruth’s mother-in-law. “I can’t imagine more depressing circumstances! What a place for it to end!” Nottingham may be a bit low on maypoles, but I dare say it’s quite nice really.
An action-packed month by Ambridge standards. Carol, it turns out, did murder her husband but, apparently, it’s perfectly all right (“I only did what someone who loved him would have done”) and Helen is pregnant by the pervasive, oppressive, intrusive Rob, who reminds you of those tasteless, odourless gases that creep through cracks and do you in. Rob has insinuated himself into every Ambridge orifice. Including, obviously, Helen. If I say that the swine cheats at cricket (“Shout as much as you like. I’m not budging!”), need I add more? No obvious outcome suggests itself unless Helen has a quick word with Carol.
Try not to confuse Tim Watson, who plays Rob and is booed whenever he speaks in public, with Tom Watson, who doesn’t play Rob.
Meanwhile, a poultry war has broken out, red in tooth and claw. Well, claw anyway. Ambridge has been religiously eating Grundy turkey at Christmas since Adam was a lad (and Adam is pushing 50), but now there is a novel and exotic alternative, Fairbrother goose. The dashing Fairbrothers have already sold their flashy fowl to the country club, the stately home and the widow ’awkins (a notoriously tough customer). It only needs a personal endorsement from Alex Ferguson to deliver the killer blow to the turkey trade. Sir Alex is a great admirer of the goose for its team spirit (must I mention the goose step?), while turkeys, it is true, are totally devoid of esprit de corps, tending to peck each other unless distracted with a passing cabbage. On the plus side, they are bootiful.
Which is better? There is only one way to find out. FIGHT!
A month in Ambridge returns on 11 November
