My wife of 21 years has no sex drive. It has been seven months since we last had sex. Previous breaks have been up to a year. These might be interrupted by a one-off encounter or a week of almost daily occurrences. I have been faithful to her since we became exclusive; I assume the same for her.
We are both healthy and fit for our ages (mid 40s), and have two children. Her sex drive started to wane after a gynaecological surgery. In contrast, my sex drive is as high as ever. I’ve always tried to be conscious of her needs and made a significant effort for her to achieve orgasm.
In the past, she was more likely to suggest new things. Now, she doesn’t even have interest in self-pleasure. When I try to initiate or even talk about it, she shuts me down. She even suggested I find outside partners. I don’t think this is a viable solution; more likely to lead to disaster. I’m willing to compromise, but I don’t think she is.
It is unfortunate – yet understandable – that the disappointment and frustration you are feeling have led both of you to be at odds with one another over this. You regard her lowered libido as something she needs to fix in order to restore a sense of fairness within your unspoken relationship contract, while she – for reasons she cannot help – is probably simply bereft of all the mechanisms that once enabled her sexual interest.
Somehow, your previous discussions have further solidified the impasse between you: “She won’t give me what I want” / “He won’t accept that I’m uninterested and leave me alone.” But this situation requires that, instead, you become partners in seeking a solution – especially since, given what you have shared about her operation, she most likely needs the help of a sexual medicine expert/gynaecologist to evaluate her for hormone therapy.
Since her lack of drive is probably because of physiological reasons, it is important that you do not blame her or take this personally. She may be motivated to seek help if she feels kindly helped to remember how important and enjoyable sex was for her once … and that with medical intervention and, ideally, sexual counselling, she could have those feelings again.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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