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Louise Thomas
Editor
Sexting is the practise of sending and receiving sexually explicit messages or photographs via your mobile phone – but what happens when you find out your romantic partner is doing it with somebody else?
It’s considered cheating by many people, but each relationship will have its own rules (that hopefully you’re both on the same page about). But discovering your partner is sexting someone else behind your back can be devastating.
Firstly, it’s worth stating that whilst sexting is not illegal in the UK, sexting without someone’s consent is. So, providing your partner has sexted another consenting adult, why might they have done it and can your relationship survive it?
BACP-registered relationship coach and trauma-informed therapist, Susie Masterson, says: “For the person on the receiving end of sexting, the most common responses include a loss of trust, confidence, desirability, and self-worth.
“This can result in a variety of emotional responses such as shame, embarrassment, self-consciousness, anger, outrage, disappointment and fear.” All valid emotions after such a discovery.
“If the [sexting] has been carrying on for a period of time, it can be difficult for the person on the receiving end to calibrate the dual nature of the deceit.
“If the sexting has been discovered by accident rather than the partner disclosing it, this can also be difficult.
“Sometimes we find out by detective work, other times we hear it from other people. This matters, because if there are other people involved it can trigger additional shame (for both parties).
“Whilst it can be helpful to understand the tenure of the sexting episode – in particular, to understand what was going on for your partner when it started and if it has finished – I advise against what I call ‘forensic accounting’,” she says.
“When this comes up in couples therapy, the person on the receiving end often requests an itemised list of every occurrence. This usually adds fuel to the fire and ends up contributing to additional hostility. In terms of repairing the relationship, it’s more helpful to understand the ‘why’ [of what has occurred] rather than the ‘what’.”
Risky behaviour
“Sexting outside of a relationship has a number of originating factors. However, not all of them are predicated on the relationship itself,” says Masterson, who thinks it’s worth considering what could be happening for your partner outside of your relationship.
“Engaging in sexting is considered risky behaviour. Risky behaviours are particularly common in adolescence. However, sometimes we revert to younger versions of ourselves – typically when we feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of our daily lives.
“During our teenage years we experience lots of difficult feelings in response to our burgeoning independence. These parts often get activated years later when we encounter a similar situation.
“For example, if we have a difficult conversation with our boss at work and we feel compromised or threatened, we can then revert to a younger (teenage) part of ourselves, because there are similarities in how it makes us feel.”
Engaging in risky behaviours is also often associated with increased consumption of alcohol or other substances, she notes. “Perhaps you have noticed that your partner has changed their consumption habits recently? Or in line with the period you know they were sexting?”
Sexting can also be triggered by environmental factors, says Masterson. For example, if we are going through a time of transition – such as moving house, moving in together, starting a family or a new job, or changes in our physical health.
“Transitions can can be incredibly unsettling as they require us to adapt and adjust – when sometimes we don’t feel emotionally ready to do so.”
Self-esteem levels
Masterson says sexting can also originate from a place of low self-esteem or self-worth. “Self-esteem is a changeable state that can be affected by our mood and/or environment. Self-worth is a more fundamental state, that relates to whether we believe we are worthy of love and respect.
“We all need validation and affirmation. But for people with low self-esteem and/or low self-worth, there is an increased need. When we are in a relationship, there is an expectation – albeit an unrealistic one – that this need will be fulfilled by our partner. If we don’t feel as though we are getting ‘our quota’ from our partner, we might look outside the relationship for this.”
What’s the significance of your sex life?
Sexting in response to problems stemming from within a relationship are not just limited to issues around sex, she notes. “Though it is often a contributing factor.
“Sex within a relationship is something that needs to be considered and discussed on an ongoing basis. Expectations and desires change, as well as physiological changes including hormone levels.
“In the beginning of a relationship, we are enveloped by a period of ‘limerence’. This literally changes our chemical composition, together with the way our brains process information.
“Research shows that for most people, there is an increase of the production of the so-called ‘happy hormone’ dopamine during this early relationship phase. When we get past this period – where we feel both ‘attracted’ and ‘attractive’ – our sexual appetites usually change. Combined with additional external pressures, this can often mean that the frequency and intensity of sex decreases.”
It’s completely normal but it’s healthy to have open discussions about both of your feelings around this.
Is there a route to repairing?
If you’ve decided that you do want to move forward with the relationship, the key will be communicating well, and Masterson suggests first establishing some ‘fair fighting rules’.
“Fair fighting rules are different for every couple, but often include an agreed (neutral) place and time for a conversation, boundary setting (e.g. if anyone shouts, the conversation ends), and requests (e.g. when a ‘time out’ might need to be scheduled).”
Another method of good communication is what she calls ‘active listening’.
“[It’s] a form of listening to understand not just the information being conveyed, but also focus on the feelings behind what is being said.
“Active listening can involve replaying what has been said to clarify understanding, as well as meaning. It is something that works well if you rotate who speaks and who listens.”
If you want to give your partner some feedback on what they could work on to improve your relationship, she suggests using the ‘feedback sandwich’ .
“The first layer is what you appreciate about someone or something that has gone well. The second is something that isn’t working or needs improvement. The third is a reinforcement of appreciation, together with a suggested approach as to how to improve/resolve what isn’t working.”
Use ‘I’ language to demonstrate both agency and acccountability, she says.
“[These are] two really important factors in relational communication. Instead of saying, ‘you did X, Y, Z…’ or ‘you made me feel…’ try saying, ‘when this happened, I felt…’ or ‘I am struggling to get past…’
“In my experience, all sorts of relationship ruptures can be repaired. It takes commitment and investment, but if you are willing to deepen your understanding – of yourselves and each other – you can strengthen your bond. It takes an enormous amount of vulnerability to repair a relationship, and this can feel incredibly exposing at times. However, it is only in vulnerability that we can truly find connection.”
