I’m in an intimate relationship for the first time since I got divorced a few years ago. We are beginning to explore our sexuality, but it has been 15 years since she’s had sex and, after a full hysterectomy, her vaginal canal makes penetration uncomfortable for her. Once we reached the point in our relationship where we were both ready to have sex, she began to use vaginal dilators and, after a couple of failed attempts, we are exploring penetration and enjoying the experience. So far though, she has been unable to climax through penetration, which is new for her. How can I help?
Remove the pressure she feels to climax through penetration. Reversing vaginal atrophy is not easy. I applaud your joint perseverance using dilators, especially since – instead of it being a chore – you are making the task fun and erotic for both of you. But it will take more time and exploration to discover what is possible, so continue to enjoy the process and try to be accepting of the outcome – whatever it may be. Fortunately, she does not need to climax through penetration. Instead, hopefully she will share exactly what she really needs from you in terms of non-penetrative stimulation.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
