For the most part, my partner and I have a great and loving relationship. I used to be very horny, but these days I just don’t have the time or energy. We have a young child and I am a step-parent to his three grownup kids; if we lived on our own, we would have the house to ourselves more and probably have kinkier sex, but having his 18-year-old son living with us is killing me. I left a houseshare years ago because I was well and truly over it. Now, I’m having to share the house I worked so hard for with an 18-year-old who doesn’t care. My partner wants to give him an easy time, but I think his son’s lack of ambition shows that he is lazy and coddled and will end up living with us for far longer than I want. I’ve worked hard to get to the point where I can enjoy my life and do what I want on my own terms. I may sound spoilt, but my partner and I had amazing sex until his son started hanging around the house all day, every day.
You have every right to set boundaries to create a more palatable living situation for yourself. You need to have a frank – but careful and loving – conversation with your partner and let him know how you feel. Do this without putting a lot of blame on the 18-year-old, but at the same time express that you think he should be encouraged to do something with his life. It is rarely helpful for anyone to support laziness and enabling behaviour – gently help your partner to see that his son’s independence deserves to be encouraged.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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