My partner has little interest in foreplay and wants to move quickly to the main event. This nearly always consists of standard straight vanilla sex: penetrative, usually missionary. She reaches orgasm very rapidly – nearly always before I’m anywhere close – after which she immediately loses all interest. She does manually bring me to climax, but I don’t feel close to her at that moment. Then she gets on with her day, or goes to sleep.
We have been together 10 years and this pattern dates back to early in our relationship. I am increasingly frustrated: while we have sex relatively often and the early stages are pleasurable, I almost never have a really good orgasm. This is having an effect on our relationship more generally. We have talked about it a lot (my partner would say too much), but she can’t seem to see the problem.
Among both men and women, there are people who are challenged by the notions of taking time for pleasure or the bonding that can occur through physical closeness after sex. There can be many reasons. Some people are simply not wired for true intimacy. Some have such poor body image that they don’t want to risk being seen. Others have personality types that are not consistent with the ability to achieve a sufficient level of relaxation or allow for fun or sexual creativity. If your partner is very goal-oriented in general, then it is reasonable to imagine her sexual modus operandi would be similar. Perhaps she is anxious – a person with an anxiety disorder is fixated on the future and cannot simply be in the moment to luxuriate in sex; such a person will usually just want to finish and move on as your partner does. Some people even have phobias about touch, or a morbid fear of germs; such people will want to make a sexual session as brief and focused as possible, and will need a high level of control. It would be worth considering your partner’s sexual style in the context of the broader person. Doing so may give you clues as to how to approach her. Your concerns are valid and important, and you deserve better.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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