My partner does not like going down on me. He says it tastes quite bitter and that my pubic hair leaves an unpleasant sensation. Unlike some women, however, I am not willing to shave. I did when I was much younger, but I didn’t like it.
This relationship is a serious one and we both want to fix this.
I have suggested that we just keep trying but when we do he gets anxious, tense and stressed and eventually gives up. This upsets me and he knows this.
When we discuss this, he expresses a lot of shame and embarrassment. How can we overcome this? I have been with other guys as a hairy person and it has never been a problem for them. I know that no one’s genitals are a bed of roses and every body is different. My partner accepts that I won’t change or compromise, as deciding not to shave is taking charge of my sexuality and body. I’m happier this way.
A person who is made to feel anxious, tense and stressed during sex is not enjoying it, and may eventually withdraw altogether. A more serious outcome could even be the development of sexual dysfunction. This issue has reached a point where it would be advisable for you to stop making this request. Why would you wish to continue coercing your partner into doing something he clearly doesn’t enjoy – and risk making him avoid sex altogether? I hear that for you there is a strong principle involved, but are you trying to score a point or to engage in loving, consensual lovemaking? Hopefully the latter is more important to you. Back off now, and perhaps, at some point in the future, when he feels safer having sex with you, there may be an opportunity to go about this a different way. Positively reinforcing a partner’s successful attempts to please you will yield far better results than demands, cajoling and complaints.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
