I am a 23-year-old woman who has been with my 26-year-old male partner for almost four years. When we first started seeing each other we had a great sex life. But as the years have passed, and we have dealt with problems such as depression, it has ground to a halt. A little over a year ago, my partner revealed that he is asexual. We had a calm and composed conversation, and I am very happy that he opened up to me about it. He explained that for him the most important thing about intercourse is that it makes me feel good, and the intimacy that this brings. Although I appreciate him telling me this, it made me realise that we view sex differently. Nowadays, we very rarely have intercourse, and when we do, I can’t help but feel that it’s not as fulfilling as it once was. Sometimes, I want to do fun and spicy stuff, but I feel that I can’t do that with him any more. I feel unable to initiate for fear that my actions will not be reciprocated. We briefly discussed the possibility of finding sexual partners for me, but he is unhappy with the idea.
If your partner is truly asexual then it will be very difficult – if not impossible – for you to ever have the kind of sexual relationship you want and need. But it sounds as though you were satisfied with your erotic connection in the early stages of your relationship. This must be very confusing for you. Of course, the depression you mentioned – or medication for it – can cause a significant loss of libido, so perhaps that should be explored. You will have to decide if you can continue being with him – given that sex will be rare, and not in the way you would hope – or if you should move on. You should also ask yourself: “Could I be comfortable simply receiving pleasure from him, knowing that his sexual interest is minimal?” Could you remain in a sexless relationship if other aspects were positive? Note that many people do. The fact that your partner came out to you suggests that he too may have some questions about the viability of your future together.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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