The question My father died a couple of years ago in awful Covid conditions, alone and scared. My mother died a few years earlier, and how she both deteriorated and died was dreadful. I still struggle that I couldn’t help my parents – whom I loved dearly – have better deaths. Focusing on my gorgeous children, incredible husband and my work keeps me busy and distracted and, although I believe I am not depressed, I can feel down sometimes.
Occasionally, I get struck by sadness attacks, which I fear more than anything. But this isn’t all, my brothers do not talk to each other. I find this very disruptive and emotionally draining. Their relationship has never been good, but they used to be able to be in the same room. However, as soon as my parents died, they terminated their relationship.
We no longer celebrate Christmas together, because they make me choose who I want to spend my time with as they have decided not to see each other ever again. I love them both and have made it clear that I will never choose between them. At the same time, I see that they each feel lonely and frustrated, but I cannot help them more than I do. I do not know how to overcome these feelings or why I take responsibility for the whole situation, including the conditions surrounding the death of my parents. How am I wrong?
Philippa’s answer You are not wrong about anything. It’s normal for people to carry feelings of guilt or a sense of responsibility for things beyond their control. It is not surprising that your parents’ illnesses and deaths have left you with heightened, charged emotions. And knowing someone you dearly love is dying and not being able to get to them due to the lockdowns is a great regret and sadness for too many. You are carrying that pain, but remember this: your parents are not carrying it. Their pain is no more. And if they were still sentient, which they are not, the last thing they would want would be for you to feel any guilt. They would know that you did your best and did what was possible for you at the time. No one could do more.
Grief is love and it sounds like loving people is something you do well. We love someone because of how we feel when we are with them. Your brothers don’t feel great, for whatever reason, when they are with each other, so to avoid those feelings they stay apart. It is hard for you to understand, because you know it is possible to feel good when you are with each of them, but that’s not how they feel together, which is difficult for you to accept. But, again, your parents are spared the pain that you are feeling over their lack of conciliation.
It sounds as if your standards and expectations for yourself and others are high. The trouble with high expectations is that they are impossible to meet and easy to fall short of. Lower your expectations about how you and everyone else should feel, be and behave. In fact, if you catch yourself saying “should”, think, aha! And then drop the “should”. I think the word “should” may stop us living full lives.
It’s time to change your relationship with your sadness. You dread it, but instead, I want you to welcome it. It shows you loved and cared about your parents. When it descends upon you, know that it is because you can love that you feel it. Profound sorrow and shedding tears play a role in the grieving process. Despite concerns about being unable to stop crying once you start, you need to recognise that the tears will subside. And there’s a possibility of experiencing improvement in wellbeing after they do. It’s difficult to plan crying, it can catch you out, but if it does, don’t apologise, explain it’s because you miss your parents and ask for a hug. You don’t have to be the one who is responsible for everyone, sometimes they need to look after you, too.
Christmas tends to over-stress whatever situation we are in and so it is natural that you should be dreading it. When it comes to your brothers, forget trying to give them a decent Christmas, see them at a different time when the seasonal magnifying glass isn’t there. When something feels too much, don’t take it on.
It is natural for us to focus on what doesn’t feel right, we are hardwired to look for danger and conflict, because that’s how humans have managed to survive. Nevertheless, you can practise switching your focus away from your brothers, away from the pain your parents suffered (but suffer no more) and switch it to your own family. You are the new matriarch. Continue to love your kids and husband and see what you’ve made and what you have. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty. It’s natural you regret what your parents went through and now it is time to remember the good times you had with them. Sadness is OK, you are allowed to be sad. It’s when we don’t allow ourselves to feel sad that we put ourselves in danger of depression.
Philippa Perry’s The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) is published by Cornerstone at £18.99. Buy it for £16.14 at guardianbookshop.com
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
