Ever since I was a child, I haven’t quite identified with my parents’ worldview. This became very apparent when I had an intense discussion about treatment for an eating disorder (which I fortunately recovered from) when I was 14. Because of that, I’ve kept my relationship with them to a working minimum, sticking to what was necessary, given that we lived under the same roof. That’s been a bumpy ride.
Now I’m 20 and have just moved out, but I’m still close enough to my parents that they want me to go back home once a month. They always expect me to be chatty and warm with them, not realising I haven’t wished that to be the case for a long time.
I feel suffocated at home: my mother ruling with a veiled iron fist, always wishing things to go her way; my father dismissing any subjects that might anger my mother and throwing tantrums when asked to do something he doesn’t want to do (such as drink less). I value my independence, so I don’t feel comfortable there. My parents notice my anger when I go home, but I don’t believe that telling them they are the problem will make things better. How should I approach this subject?
I’m so sorry you’ve been through what you have. I’m glad you’ve found your independence and are starting to make a life for yourself away from all this. You sound incredibly strong, but I bet you wish you didn’t have to be, all the time.
I write as both a child and a parent. I wish you could sit down, tell your parents how you feel, and they would listen and things could start to be worked on, but life, and experience, have taught me that in order to do that, parents have to take the baton of responsibility. This is too hard an ask for some.
I went to psychotherapist Heidi Soholt (bacp.co.uk), who got the sense of you “being really stifled at home, not being able to express your emotions or opinions, the things that make you, you. This seems to be provoking anger and perhaps beneath that is hurt.”
It is, of course, impossible to change other people. Soholt wanted to empower you to remember that “you’re no longer a child trapped in that family dynamic. You have options, including who you spend time with. Be really honest with yourself about what you need to do and the reasons you need to do it, so if you want to keep contact then boundaries are essential. If something makes you feel uncomfortable, acknowledge that it does and leave [as soon as you can].”
But sometimes, even when we have evolved into adults, we still become children at home and slip into patterns.
Soholt recommended trying to work on your assertiveness skills by taking “baby steps that don’t feel so challenging, practising in other areas of your life. Maybe examine how you interact with others. Can you be assertive in other areas? What’s different about those areas and being with your parents?”
Practically, I would say, take control over when and how often you visit. Don’t wait for your parents to say: “See you next month,” but say: “I’ll see you X,” and make this, perhaps, five weeks later to begin with, then make the periods of time longer in between visits. You can also limit the amount of time you spend with them. Is there anyone else you can stay with when you visit? My other top tip for toxic family dynamics is to bring someone, a friend maybe, who makes you feel good, who’s on your side, as a “bridge” between your newly adult self and the “child you” that you are in your family.
Once you’ve done this for a while, you can get some distance and re-evaluate if, and when, you do want to bring this up with your parents. Consider what you realistically hope to achieve, especially given that you say you don’t think it will make things better – unless you want a huge argument to justify severing ties?
Otherwise, it might be worth digging into what it is you fear if you were to tell your parents how you feel. There may be an explosion, but then what? Do you fear it rupturing the relationship for ever? Does it feel pointless, like they wouldn’t listen anyway? Making yourself feel vulnerable with no hope of change is soul-destroying, so I understand not wanting to do that.
Your parents may not be good parents because they weren’t taught to be. While this is absolutely not your problem, it can sometimes help a little to see the impact as less personal.
But ultimately, I really want you to know that this next stage in your life is one you do have more control over, so whether you visit your parents or not, and whether you have conversations with them or not, is entirely up to you.
• Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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