Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my late 30s and my husband and I struggled for years to have a baby, eventually going the IVF route.
Coincidentally, a good friend and her partner were also having fertility treatment at the same time as us.
It was a godsend, as me and this mate supported each other through the process and always said we’d be happy for the other if one of us got pregnant.
When my fourth round of treatment failed, my husband and I decided to call it a day. We’d had enough. It was killing us emotionally, physically and financially, and it was a huge relief when we stopped.
We went on holiday and relaxed for the first time in years and, you’ve probably guessed it, I got pregnant from good old-fashioned sex.
We were over the moon and I was excited to tell my friend, but also mindful that she still wasn’t pregnant.
She didn’t take the news well – she went from shock to bursting into tears and then kept apologising for crying, and then seemed quite angry.
We parted on good terms, but now she’s refusing to pick up my calls or respond to texts and emails, and is basically ghosting me.
I feel so sad about this as we’d become really close.
I bumped into her mum recently, who told me my friend said she can’t be friends with me right now because it’s too hard. What can I do?
Coleen says
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy and try not to let your friend’s reaction spoil what should be a really exciting time. Of course, you have to feel for her, too, because you’re off on this new journey and she can’t be part of it (or feels she can’t be part of it).
She probably thinks she’s lost her “ride or die”, the person she’s relied on so much through the IVF challenges.
I know from having friends who struggled with infertility that one of the hardest things is seeing everyone else around you getting pregnant and having babies, while nothing is happening for you.
I’m 100% certain your friend is happy for you, but she just needs some space to think it all through, get some perspective and refocus on herself.
So, give her time to get her head around it and try not to judge her too harshly.
I don’t see why you can’t still be there for each other, even though you’re on different journeys. If I were you, I’d be the bigger person and send a card saying you’re there for her whenever she’s ready to get together or talk.
And then leave it and concentrate on yourself and getting ready for the new arrival.
