The question I would like some advice on how to approach my mum as my siblings and I have found it increasingly difficult to relate to or even like her. One brother can’t even see her any more as it upsets him so much.
Our mother dealt with the frustration of having a large, young family by screaming at my dad, which created a divide in the house. I remember loving my father and being confused as to how I should behave towards him as he was the object of such anger. I found myself swept along in this feeling of dislike towards him. Mum’s propensity for aggression won out over Dad’s passivity. I’m grateful that I had a good relationship with him as an adult before he died.
Mum was also aggressive and violent towards us. She once threw a full cereal bowl at me, because I wet the bed. But, despite her temper, she fed and watered us and sent us off to school. We’ve all come out sort of OK.
As adults we have tried to talk to her about how it felt growing up. We’ve acknowledged it must have been difficult for her. I don’t think it is fair to blame your parents for everything, but it’s difficult to build a better relationship with her when she is in denial and insists we all had wonderful childhoods.
A while ago, she brought up an incident of washing out my mouth with soap and water, because she thought it was funny. I told her it was unfair, traumatic and not funny at all. She just ignored me. Since my father died, she talks of him in glowing terms and denies that she was ever contemptuous of him or turned us against him.
Philippa’s answer As I read your email I tasted soap in my mouth – it is not nice at all and certainly isn’t funny. You may be adults now, but back then you had no choice. You had to live with threats, violent incidents and her explosive temper. You do acknowledge that her life cannot have been easy, you are fair about that, but she didn’t have to have children (or so many). Maybe she could have sought help and support to learn to manage her outbursts, but didn’t. These were her choices, not yours.
I doubt she is ever going to try to understand your childhood from your point of view as it doesn’t sound as if she can put herself in anyone else’s shoes to imagine how they felt and then feel for them. You and your siblings have tried. It sounds like she has rewritten the past and made herself the heroine of it. I am not hopeful of the possibility of her daring to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge what it was like for you all or admit that she made some mistakes, which means your relationship in the present will probably remain superficial. It’s not what you’d like, but it’s probably what you’ll get.
What do you want and what do you get from your involvement with her as an adult? Does your mother see you for who you really are, or as an extension of her? Are you in her life from a sense of duty or because you are scared of her? Or do you enjoy some aspects of being with her and want to stay close to her? Are you still there because you think there’s a chance that one day you will get some validation for how you experienced your childhood? I wouldn’t put a bet on that happening.
If you want to continue to have her in your life, my hunch is you will have to accept her as she is and have no expectations of her ever changing. If she says something preposterous, like the soap incident being funny, don’t disagree, just gently bat it back so it doesn’t get under your skin. Say something like: “I see, you remember it as funny.” Don’t argue, don’t put out your vulnerable truths or feelings in front of her for her to trample on. If you can protect yourself like this, you can continue to see her and appreciate her for what good points she may have, and for keeping you alive. I’m not sure having a cereal bowl thrown at you was the best way of doing this but, as you say, she did do it. By the way, children continue to wet the bed past the time they have bladder control when they are frightened or stressed. Have compassion for that scared little child that was you.
I don’t blame the brother who has decided he cannot see her any more, because it must be crazy-making when your truth is trashed by your mother. A parent’s opinion and views usually have more weight on a child or adult child, than other influences. Only see her if you feel strong enough and, if she reinvents your past, remember: don’t engage. I don’t know what sort of damascene moment she would need to change, and I cannot think what would bring it about, as your brother’s boundary hasn’t changed anything.
You could read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward or The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, by me.
Philippa Perry’s The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) is published by Cornerstone at £18.99. Buy it for £16.14 at guardianbookshop.com
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
