I’ve had a terrible run in with my mother-in-law and don’t know what to do about it.
I’m married to her only son, whom she dotes on. We had reached a point where we got on, but our relationship has always been strained. I feel as though whoever married her son would never be good enough.
Having grown up in eastern Europe, she came to the UK in the 1980s having met and married my father-in-law in her home country. She has been deeply unhappy here and in her marriage. She seems to hate anything “British” or representing British culture and so I feel I have become a representative of that.
She has recently started watching right-wing news and has a deep mistrust of any mainstream media.
She regularly sends out petitions for her family members to sign. My husband and her daughters ignore these. Friends of hers who have engaged or pushed back end up in huge arguments with her. She is totally unreasonable and always turns it round so that she is the “victim”. I feel quite passionate about politics and feel she should be pulled up on her opinions and that ignoring them almost reinforces her as being correct.
I recently replied to a particularly incendiary petition she sent me with “I’m sorry, I can’t sign this”, and I questioned the facts. She then replied to me by accident, thinking she was sending her text to someone else, where she pitied my husband for living with me. I replied to her saying I think she had meant it for someone else, she ignored that.
I am so upset. My husband has spoken to her but she manipulates him and ended up telling him how lonely she is and lied about the message. My husband has grown up with this manipulation and I feel angry that he doesn’t show anger or upset that his mum would say this about me.
I would like her to apologise to me.
I feel for you. Having family members with extreme and misinformed political views is upsetting and exhausting. But you have chronicled yourself how entrenched your mother-in-law is. So I fear we must be realistic.
I went to Association for Family Therapy and Systemic Practice-accredited psychotherapist, Hannah Sherbersky, who said: “This sounds like a very difficult situation. Your mother-in-law sounds terribly unhappy, and her situation in terms of her suspicion and beliefs may be escalating. In some ways, however, this is not the problem.”
Whenever we talk about problems with in-laws (and Sherbersky and I did a whole podcast on it which you can listen to here) the most important thing is for the couple to establish a united front. If this can happen – and unfortunately it so often doesn’t – then at least you have this united bond.
Sherbersky said: “I would want to encourage you to get your husband to see that the stakes are high in terms of potential family estrangement, and that the kindest thing he could for both of you is to get a few issues really clear.
“I would clearly communicate to your mother-in-law,” she added, “that you and your husband’s values are not the same as hers; that you do love her, and do want her to be part of the family, but you cannot support and agree with her values. For that reason, you will not be involved in any future conversations about it. And your husband needs to stick to that and protect you, his wife. I would encourage him to give his mother lots of love and support – but be really firm and clear with her too.”
We know this sounds easy to say but hard to put into practice but it’s key. Could you get the sisters on board too?
What you then have to try to do is to not engage in any conversation or message about it. I know you feel a moral responsibility but I don’t think you will ever change her mind: just entrench her further. It will be hard at first to switch off but easier in time and with practice. Wanting an apology, at least a heartfelt one, is ambitious. You’re giving your mother-in-law a lot of power, but in some ways you need to unplug from her.
• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
• The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here
