My wife’s mother is in her 60s and divorced, and has been seeing a man her age for around six years. While he is nice, he is often inappropriate with family members (with jokes and comments, sometimes sexual in nature), and is generally annoying and immature. He makes no secret of the fact that he follows “glamour models” on social media.
My wife’s siblings have given subtle hints that his jokes and comments are not welcome, whereas my wife and I are more tolerant of him, primarily because my mother-in-law is apparently happy with him, and he is the only person in her life. Five years ago, she relocated for work to a very small community four hours from us, and closer to his home.
Recently, I Googled his name and discovered that 15 years ago he was arrested/charged with exposing himself on webcam on two occasions to an undercover police officer posing as a 13-year-old girl.
This behaviour caused him to lose his job and marriage, and presumably the relationship with his children, as we’ve noticed he doesn’t spend any time with them.
We are at odds on how to approach the situation. Do we tell my mother-in-law, siblings or him that we know? Should we ask him if he’s told my mother-in-law, or ask her if she knows? And should we speak to them together or separately?
When you sit down and think about it, there really is no option here but to say something. That is if you are absolutely sure of your facts and that you have the right person. I think there’s a reason you Googled him; we often try to ignore our hunches and look for solid proof, but our instincts are there for a reason (do read Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear).
You don’t have to go full pitchfork about it, but given everything you’ve said, the history, his lack of boundaries, his inappropriate behaviour even now, the fact that he doesn’t seem to have (or be allowed?) contact with his children, I think it would be wise to share this information. Child sexual abuse flourishes in secrecy, and when people turn the other way. And whatever the court document papers said about his tendencies, what he did was expose himself to someone he thought was a child. Twice. Poor “lack of judgment”, indeed.
I edited your letter but in no part of it was there any mention of children in the family, however, this would be my primary concern.
I went to Tom Squire, clinical manager of the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, which runs the Stop it Now helpline, the UK’s only anonymous helpline that supports people worried about their own or someone else’s sexual thoughts or behaviour towards children. Squire has 20 years’ experience in this field and it is with his help I’m answering. “Is there a live safe guarding issue here?” he asks. “Do you know what contact he now has with children? This will inform how much time you have to consider what to do, and what your chosen course of action might be.”
This is more important than the reaction of the adults.
Obviously we have no idea if your MIL’s boyfriend will be a threat but, really, why take any risks?
So yes, you have to say something. Personally I would start with any members of the family where there are children, but I would absolutely tell the others, too, and then you can either talk to your mother0 together or one of you can do this (perhaps the one she is most receptive to). It may not go well, but you can’t sit on this information now that you have it. You mentioned in your longer letter that you were worried family members might shun him. That will be their decision. You may or may not choose to discuss it with the man himself. People can be rehabilitated, but where children are concerned you just cannot and should not take risks.
Think of the alternative, of not saying anything. What would your reasons be? To protect him? To not upset him? I see this time and again – people worried about offending someone when children might be at risk. It’s an irresponsible, ludicrous equation.
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