The question I am a woman in my 30s. I don’t want to have any children. It’s something I’ve thought about a lot and my husband and I are both happy and at peace with this decision.
The problem is that my mum is incredibly upset about it, and my relationship with her is suffering. I was taken aback by her reaction. She has said she feels heartbroken, especially since her friends have grandchildren. She also says it is as though she has no input into the future and that she’s worried I’ll die lonely and alone. I’m feeling as if I’m in some way not good enough for my mum, despite having strived to meet all the usual expectations (education, career, etc). Her passive-aggressive comments about children make me feel invalidated, as if my life is trivial or pointless.
I have tried to be sympathetic to her and recognise her distress, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to try to maintain a good relationship, especially since she doesn’t seem at all interested in hearing my thoughts. I feel as though she is too hurt to listen to how hurt I am. I wondered if you might be able to suggest some ways to approach this. I want to maintain a relationship with her, but things are feeling stuck, and I can feel myself withdrawing, because it’s painful.
Philippa’s answer It’s not uncommon for family expectations to clash with personal choices and finding a way to communicate effectively can be difficult. Sit down together or go for a long walk with the understanding that you both need to talk about the situation that is developing. Explain that this conversation isn’t going to be about trying to convince her that your decision is the correct one, or that she is in any way wrong, but is a chance for you each to share your truths about how you feel. Tell her it won’t be about winning or losing, but mutual understanding.
Start by acknowledging your mother’s perspective, her disappointment and other emotions, and let her know you understand that this might be difficult for her. Reassure her that your decision is not a reflection of your love for her. Ask her again how she feels about your choice not to have children. Listen to her and when she’s finished say back to her what you heard, to make sure you really understand where she’s coming from. When someone knows you’ve really heard and understood them, they don’t feel the need to keep repeating themselves. You will be bursting to tell her your points again, but resist the temptation until she feels completely understood and heard. She may be finding it hard to even understand why she does mind so much. It will help her to know that you’re willing to listen and consider her perspective, even if you don’t change your decision.
When you’ve made it clear that you respect her feelings and regret how sad, angry and possibly scared she feels for you, explain that you need boundaries. For example, let her know that you don’t want passive-aggressive comments and that they only strain your relationship. Give just one example of when she’s done this so that she understands what you mean. Explain using “I” statements to convey your emotions without placing blame. For example, say something along the lines of, “I feel hurt when I sense disapproval about our decision not to have children.” Stay calm.
If she is open to it, help her understand your reasons for not wanting children. Explain that it’s not a rejection of her or her values, but a personal choice based on your own hopes, dreams and wishes for your future. Explain that she will always be important to you. If the situation doesn’t improve, consider involving a neutral third party, like a family therapist, to facilitate a conversation and provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and help find common ground. If she continues even after this and you get tired of her explaining things, like how raising you has been the most important, meaningful and rewarding element in her life, that she’s worried about you missing out on something wonderful, and if she’s not a grandmother she’ll be redundant, when you’ve heard enough and don’t want to hear these things again, it’s OK for you to put a boundary down and to ask her to confide in another person about it.
Emphasise your love for her and your desire to maintain a strong relationship. Make it clear your decision regarding children doesn’t diminish your love and respect for her and the choices she made in her life that were right for her.
It will take time for her to come to terms with your decision. Maintaining a healthy relationship involves compromise, understanding and open communication. It’s clear you care for and love your mother and finding common ground may be difficult, but I believe with patience and effort from both sides, it’s possible. Perhaps show her this article.
Philippa Perry’s The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) is published by Cornerstone at £18.99. Buy it for £16.14 at guardianbookshop.com
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
