In 2020, I lost my husband to Covid. The pain has been unimaginable, but what is worse is the fear that his death could have been prevented – and, this week, hearing the government defend the very policy that may have killed him.
Bob and I had just taken a trip to Birmingham with our children to make the most of the government’s “eat out to help out” (EOTHO) scheme when he fell ill. I had been cautious about going, but Bob had absolute faith in the government – if they said it was safe to travel, it must be, he would say.
Bob may have paid for that trust with his life. Two weeks later, he went into hospital and never came home. Our family is still reeling from the grief.
I was once a proud Conservative voter but I would gladly rip up my membership card for how the government so recklessly endangered people’s lives. In spite of the overwhelming evidence that EOTHO contributed to excess deaths, Rishi Sunak has continued to defend the scheme, telling the Covid inquiry it was just a “micro-policy” within an overall plan to reopen the country. His words are an insult to Bob’s memory, and I’m filled with anger.
It is clear to me that EOTHO was considered too early. If Sunak had put up his hands and said “we should have waited until more people were vaccinated”, I would have accepted that. No government can get everything right. I understand the unique pressures those in charge were under as Covid tore through the country. To keep roofs over people’s heads and the economy afloat. But at what cost? Sunak’s plan proved to be of no economic benefit whatsoever to the country.
After Bob died, one of the doctors who cared for him in hospital in the early weeks phoned me. He wanted to tell me how sorry he was that he discharged him, for not imagining how much worse things could get for him, and that he didn’t make it. He probably expected me to erupt in a torrent of rage, but his apology touched me. I could hear the distress in his voice.
Accountability means something to bereaved families. Honesty means something. I feel disappointment to the pit of my stomach in how Sunak has behaved. I cannot forgive his government for trying to weasel out of this. I thought Sunak cared more. But he can’t possibly understand what it feels like to lose someone in this way from his ivory tower.
Bob was a wonderful father, stepfather and foster carer. He was a principled lawyer and an honest citizen. He always fought for the little man. The loss to his family has been immeasurable. He was just one person, but there are hundreds of thousands more families who lost their loved ones to preventable death. How do you quantify the scale of that loss to society? All the things these people could have done, how they could have contributed or influenced others?
Bob was a Labour man and I was always the one defending the Tories, urging people around me to give them the benefit of the doubt. I can no longer in good conscience do that, and it is time to vote them out. At the next election, I will hold my nose and vote Labour or Liberal Democrat – anybody is better than a government who will not admit to such grave mistakes.
Today, I manage my grief as best I can. I try to live well and to look after the people who are left behind. I’m not going to let this destroy me. I did for a while, but now I am dedicated to bringing those responsible for EOTHO to account. I don’t think an inquiry will go far enough, and I want the government to answer to corporate manslaughter charges. Those who lost their loved ones are still here, and we are not going to let this go. That will be Bob’s ultimate legacy: bringing those who took him from us to justice.
Amanda Pape is a former teacher and the widow of Bob Pape, who died from Covid in 2020 and whose story was featured as part of the Guardian’s Lost to the Virus series. As told to Lucy Pasha-Robinson
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