I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years. Although we have a great relationship, we only have sex once a month, which we are trying to improve. He has always been a noisy breather (and snorer), breathing solely through his mouth. This wasn’t a problem, but in the last few years his mouth breathing has worsened and he is now unable to kiss me without fully breathing into my mouth. As we were building up to sex the other day, I had to keep pulling away as I was unable to take in his full exhale – it was off-putting and made me cough, so that I was unable to relax and enjoy myself. He seemed to have no awareness of what was happening. It has made me not want to kiss him any more, particularly if it is going to get heated, as that’s when the breathing becomes intolerable. I want to talk to him about it, but with sensitivity and love. He has just found out he is pre-diabetic and is feeling quite low about himself at the moment. He can also take feedback very personally, and I don’t want to compromise our suddenly improving sex life.
It is vital that you help your husband address this potentially serious physical problem by seeking evaluation and treatment from a medical professional, especially since far more is at stake for him health-wise than his sex life. He may need a sleep specialist and/or an ear, nose and throat specialist – so you should seek help for him immediately. He is most likely to respond well to your suggestions if he understands that you will be his supportive partner in the process of getting help. So, rather than saying, “You’ll have to do something about the way you breathe or I’m not going to kiss you,” you might say, “I love you and I want you to be healthy and feel alert and happy. I’ve noticed you are having some breathing issues, which can affect your health, so I’m going to be your partner in finding someone to help you.”
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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