My heart went out to Vinnie Jones this week when he spoke about the “blanket of grief” that has been smothering him since the death of his wife.
The footballer-turned-actor was devastated when his beloved Tanya died from cancer in 2019.
He didn’t think he could survive without his soulmate of 25 years.
Many well-meaning friends and loved ones no doubt told him that “time’s a great healer” and “you will come through this eventually”.
But four years down the line Vinnie, 58, says he is “broken” by his loss and struggles to go to bed at night without Tanya, 53, beside him.
“Grief is a ghost,” Vinnie explained in an interview with Stuff magazine. “It’s a blanket. It wraps around you and it pulls you down.
“You don’t know when it’s going to happen, why it happens. It just happens. You’ve got to try and get your head up, breathe in as long as you can because you know you’re going to be pulled under again.”
Vinnie’s powerful analogy will resonate with millions of people currently wrestling with their own shroud of grief. And it will strike a chord with millions more who have learned how to fold back that suffocating blanket and lie more comfortably with it.
I have been volunteering at a hospice for some time now and the experience has helped me understand that grief is a complex, unpredictable and idiosyncratic process. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no stages to pass through or linear process to follow.
And there is certainly no time limit on “coming through” bereavement, or a formula for moving on.
But there ARE people who understand and they will be there WHENEVER you need them. There are hospices, charities, psychologists and bereavement groups – professionals and trained volunteers who will listen and support you as you navigate your own path through grief.
This week was Dying Matters Awareness Week and charities across the UK were hosting events to get people discussing death, dying and grief more openly. This is a conversation that must continue, so that we ALL learn to recognise the effects of grief and when loved ones may be feeling smothered.
Vinnie says the trauma of losing Tanya is the toughest battle of his life but he has sought help from a psychologist.
The star says: “My spirit may be broken inside, but I think I’ve got enough knowledge and enough experience to cope with it.”
And his brave words will help so many others to start folding back that heavy blanket.
