My girlfriend, who is 50, wants me – I’m 65 – to be ready for sex the moment I walk through the door. But I’m not always in the mood and need sex to be more organic. It’s not that I don’t love her or find her attractive. Now I sometimes don’t want to go to her place because I feel forced – and that she will be angry, or want to end the relationship, if I don’t immediately have sex with her.
You deserve to be fully heard regarding your sexual response and your own needs. I’m wondering if intimidation and threats are part of your overall relationship and, if so, it needs to be reevaluated. It’s not OK to feel forced or coerced in any dimension, let alone sex. Sit down with her and explain to her how your arousal pattern works – ask for what you need. When a person feels threatened, unsafe or overly challenged, it stops the physical arousal process even if the person mentally wants to comply. It’s a self-protection mechanism, so pay attention.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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