I met X about 10 years ago, at the gym. She’s not a very close friend, although I think she would like to be. For the first few years I thought we had so much in common – places we’d been on holidays as kids, our attitudes and our taste in music and clothes.
It has taken me a while to realise that I can’t believe anything she says. She copies everything I say or do. Every time I wear something new, she says: “I’ve been looking for a coat/dress/boots like that. Where did you get it?” She turns up a week later with almost exactly what I have. I simply don’t answer any more.
In conversation, she has always been where I’ve been, thought what I’ve thought. Nothing originates from her. I made a list a few months ago because I thought I was imagining it. But the list is huge and includes the classes I go to, and the clothes, colours, phrases and home decor I choose. She has even followed me to various groups she had never shown any interest in before, which I find really upsetting.
She lives opposite me, with a field in between, but she can see my house and comments on cars outside, if I’m out, for example, or if a workman is here. I feel I am being watched the whole time. I have begun to distance myself from her – I don’t tell her what I’m doing, change the subject so I don’t have to answer her questions, and find myself hiding and drawing curtains so she can’t look in when she passes.
I looked up “stalking” – which I think this is – but as my life is not in danger (as far as I can tell) there is nothing I can do.
I realise it’s a mental health issue and I don’t want to be unkind, but I really feel harassed.
I think how you feel is how it is actually is: harassing. I consulted UKCP-registered psychotherapist Ryan Bennett-Clarke, who has a specialist interest in stalking issues.
He felt you had every right to be concerned: “In isolation, X’s behaviour may seem harmless, but the accumulation of all these things paints a more disturbing picture, hence your discomfort. This sounds incredibly unsettling and confusing for you.”
We talked about when this “copying” becomes less complimentary and more uncomfortable. Done to the degree X is doing it “seems to have a degree of what we call secondary identification”, Bennett-Clarke said It’s not unlike what people do when they try to “emulate celebrities as a way of trying to establish, grow or explore their own identity”, he added. X seems to “lack a concrete sense of who she is and is forming a somewhat unhealthy attachment to you”.
It is not flattering because it is parasitic behaviour. “Even though X is copying you”, said Bennett-Clarke “she is taking something from you [clothes, memories, words, places you like to go] that doesn’t belong to her. It’s almost as if she is sucking the life out of you.” By doing this she is “spoiling” the experiences for you. No wonder you feel uncomfortable especially when you add her monitoring and asking who is visiting you.
We don’t know what’s going on for X, or whether she perhaps she has additional needs. But presumably if she did you’d have mentioned this. So what to do?
One suggestion from Bennett-Clarke was: “Holding a boundary: being able to be clear within yourself that you have a right to your own life. At the extreme end, you may consider reducing or even cutting contact with this person.”
You could just cut her out of your life completely, but Bennett-Clarke recommended” “Take gradual steps back, be discerning in what you share with X, preferably very little.” It sounds as if you are already doing this. Continue.
If you are on social media, monitor your settings. It’s a shame to stop doing the things you love but maybe you need to find other groups and classes.
You are not wrong to feel uncomfortable. X may have good reasons for stepping over boundaries – maybe she doesn’t understand them – but this is not your problem and you have every right to live your life disentangled from this person.
• Listen to Annalisa and Ryan Bennett-Clarke’s podcast on envy
• For advice on problems with stalking see suzylamplugh.org
• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
