My ex has unblocked my number and she rang me when she found out I had moved on quickly and married someone new. I have been hit by very strong fond memories of my ex and now feel the love for my new wife is fading very fast. This is causing me a great deal of stress. What can I do?
Eleanor says: I’m curious about the process of getting married to someone when there was an ex whose reappearance could derail things so quickly. Does your wife know about the ex? Have you had conversations about the possibility of residual feelings? If so, was it an “even if she came back I’d still choose you” or “she won’t come back so the issue won’t arise”?
Part of what you do by getting married is make a commitment, not just a choice. You say you’ve chosen to be with this person, but also that you’re committed to sustaining that. You will put effort into actively encouraging your feelings for her and your union, even in the face of obstacles.
In that way, marriage closes a question. To be married is to say you’ve made up your mind: I want to stay with this person. You’re not still in the business of auditioning the relationship – checking out whether you want it to stick; evaluating it against its competitors. Those are things we do when we’re dating, but the point of getting married is to say that you’re committed to treating who to be with as a settled matter. You want to be together.
So the question about what you should do isn’t just a question about which relationship or woman you should prioritise. It’s a question about whether you can deliver the mind-made-up-ness that constitutes a marriage. One of the worst things to do would be to stay in this marriage, but in a provisional, see-if-it-works way (even though it seems like a safe compromise). That’s a good way to drip feed doubt and scrutiny into the relationship, and that will certainly damage it, even if your ex’s reappearance doesn’t.
Don’t stay in a way where you’re waiting to see whether your choice was a good one. Don’t stand back like a scientist watching an experiment to see if your wife can regain the standing you feel she’s lost. People can feel when you’re withdrawing approval from them. They can tell when you’re looking at them through evaluative eyes instead of loving ones. It’s not a good feeling.
So if you stay, stay with commitment. Make the choice to keep actively sustaining love. Feelings are to a certain extent beyond our control, and if you feel these ones are just too strong then the fairest thing might be to leave.
If you do decide to stay, you won’t be the last married person to have complicated feelings for an ex. But there are things you can do if you decide you want those feelings to go away. Reflect on the reasons you broke up, minimise time and contact with the ex and examine whether these feelings are actually in part a yen for freedom, or a previous time in life, rather than a yearning for this particular person. Sometimes those feelings are natural responses to big life alterations – especially ones that come with new responsibilities and obligations, like marriage.
That’s how I think you should approach this. Not as choice between women, or even a response to how other people make you feel, but as a decision you can have some control over. Which feelings do you want to sustain?
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