Dear Coleen
My friend and neighbour recently went through a horrible divorce and wasn’t around much for her teenage daughter, who is friends with my daughter.
I basically picked up the slack and drove her girl to school and back every day, fed her most evenings, watched her netball games, gave her advice, and let her cry on my shoulder.
I did it because I wanted to do it and because my daughter thinks the world of this girl, and wants to support her, but her mum has barely registered it.
Then last week, she came over out of the blue and we got into an argument over her daughter spending so much time at mine, and she stormed off, telling me to butt out.
I was very upset and so was my daughter and, more importantly, her daughter was devastated and screamed at her mum about never being around, calling her selfish.
I don’t know what to do now because our girls are such good friends and want to keep seeing each other. I’m also convinced that if I stop helping her daughter, no one else is going to step in and she’s about to take her GCSEs.
My head is exploding with all this. What would you suggest?
Coleen says
I would suggest being the bigger person here and taking the high road. You’re right, but what you’ve made your friend see is that she’s been absent as a mum and she doesn’t like it.
You have to remember that she’s going through a lot and she’s obviously struggling to keep all the balls in the air.
The way to approach it is to say you want everyone to stay friends, particularly your girls, and say sorry if she feels you’ve overstepped the mark.
Add that you’re not trying to replace her or take over, but you and your daughter love having her girl over and that you’re always happy to help out.
Yes, it might stick in your throat because you’ve been doing a good thing and got shouted at for it, but I just don’t think it’s worth adding fuel to the fire.
Accept that she’s going through a stressful time and that’s why she’s reacted the way she has.
Her daughter needs normality in her life and that’s what you’re providing while her mum and dad deal with the divorce and the fallout from it.
But this woman must realise that divorce is so hard on kids and they need a lot of hand holding through it.
You know in your heart you’ve helped out for the right reasons. Thank God for you and your daughter.
