Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 70s and divorced my husband years ago.
For the past 10 years I’ve been with someone else and, although we’re very happy, we’ve never married. We never saw the need, having both been unhappily married in the past.
My problem is actually an old wound from the past, which has come back to haunt me.
When I was married and my kids were young, I had a short-lived affair. I got involved in this affair because I was lonely in my marriage. I knew my husband had been messing around with other women for a long time, but I felt trapped because I had two young children at the time.
My husband was quite cruel because he’d often invite these women to events and parties, which was awful for me.
I eventually confronted him about his affairs and left him, once my kids were a bit older.
Anyway, he’s nearly 80 now and clearly very bitter because he told our son and daughter that my affair is what led to our divorce. This is absolutely not the case.
And while I know that having an affair wasn’t the answer, it was a response to his terrible behaviour over the years.
My children seem angry and disappointed with me; my daughter said she was shocked and never thought I’d be capable of it. The question is, should I tell them what their dad was up to at the time or will that just open a can of worms?
Coleen says
Yes, I do think you should be honest with your children. They’re both grown-ups and I think the gloves are off now your ex has spilled the beans.
You don’t need to badmouth their dad or go into too much detail, but you can give them the facts and also put the affair you had into context.
I don’t know why your ex would choose now to reveal this affair and try to score points by blaming you for the marriage ending. Maybe it’s something to do with his milestone birthday coming up; maybe he feels some guilt and has regrets about the way he behaved, and he’s projecting it all on to you.
He’s definitely playing the “poor me” card.
I think you should also be firm when you talk to your children and, once you’ve told them your side, be clear it’s in the past and you don’t want to say any more about it.
They should also know you stayed in the marriage longer than you should have because you wanted to give them stability. They should know the full story and appreciate that you did your best to put their wellbeing first.
