The dilemma I met a friend at work four years ago. At the start, he told me he had stronger feelings for me than just friends and while he was never pushy physically, he did become clingy – messaging constantly over different social-media platforms, seeking me out at work and even intervening if, on a work night out, he felt that I was getting on too well with a different male colleague. I told him many times in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t interested but, in the end, to make it stop, I told him that I’m a lesbian. Even then, he let other colleagues believe we were more than just friends. I think he liked people to think we were together, even though we weren’t.
He then bought a house practically next door to me without telling me – I find it hard to believe this is a coincidence. He has also started coming to work events that he knows I attend – events he has never had any interest in before. I tend to say no to his invitations and I am not as responsive to his messages as I used to be. He just doesn’t get the hint.
In all honesty, I don’t want to continue being friends. I find him hard to speak to as he just says what he thinks I want to hear and he often avoids any conversation that isn’t surface level. I feel as if the right thing to do is to be honest and tell him; but, at the same time, I get the sense he sees me as his closest friend and is lonely and quite down. I don’t know which makes me a worse person: to tell him and potentially really hurt him or to continue as it is and complain about him behind his back. He is kind and deserves good friends, but at the minute it feels as if that falls on me and I don’t want it.
Philippa’s answer One of my favourite sayings is, if you are stuck between resentment and guilt, choose guilt. You are not responsible for your colleague’s happiness or loneliness, and maintaining a friendship out of a sense of obligation isn’t healthy for either of you. But your situation is tricky. Buying a house next door without saying what he was doing sounds creepy. Randomly turning up at your events that he formerly had no interest in could be creepy, too. He seems like a fantasist from the way he pretended that you were together. As I read your email, I feel uneasy about your situation.
You are not a bad person for a) wanting to get rid of him and b) talking to other people about him. The more people who know of what seems to be his creepy behaviour, the safer you will be. Women are often brought up to be good and kind, and subsequently may find it harder to be assertive and entitled than men; maybe he is preying on this. But, despite the culture of “girls must be good”, you are not a bad person for wanting rid of this pest.
You say he is kind. I am not convinced he is. My guess is that he is aware you are finding it increasingly difficult to respond to all his messages and invitations – and he bought a house very near yours anyway. I suspect that if this was an entirely innocent move, he would have talked about it, asked about the neighbourhood, even asked you if you minded him moving so close to you – but he didn’t, so I’m on amber alert here.
The difficult conversation that you dread: how are you going to do it? What do you think about the idea of getting an official from your workplace involved? Maybe they would agree that you could have this conversation with their presence and support. Perhaps having an official witness around means he won’t be so likely to take advantage of your good nature. You don’t have to be harsh or confrontational, but expressing your feelings and concerns directly could help clarify the situation for both of you. You can explain that you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the frequency of your interactions and you want them to stop. You can say that this is not a reflection of your colleague’s worth as a person, but rather a decision based on your own needs.
Being honest with him is more respectful than continuing to avoid the issue. You’re not responsible for how he reacts to your boundaries and if you do decide to do this with HR present, they could perhaps offer him support as he navigates his feelings. Ending a friendship or establishing boundaries can be difficult, but prioritising your own wellbeing for the long term is the sustainable option.
If he continues to message you and to randomly turn up in your life after this, keep a record, because this may escalate into a stalking case and then you’ll need evidence. If you are concerned that it has already got to this stage, you can find further advice and help at protectionagainststalking.org/links.
Philippa Perry’s The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don’t) is published by Cornerstone at £18.99. Buy it for £16.14 at guardianbookshop.com
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
