Rishi Sunak says that what he wants for this country more than anything right now is peace.
It’s a noble aim, and a welcome message, particularly at this time of year. And it makes me wonder if, just for one day, we should have a truce with our enemies as German and British troops famously did on Christmas Day 1914.
So, for one column only, I want to offer as a sign of peace, a present to everyone I usually place in my line of fire.
King Charles gets a leaky fountain pen so he can throw a strop worse than James Corden in a restaurant “every stinking time” he uses it, Jacob Rees-Mogg a Tardis so he can return to the 18th century, and Harry and Meghan a Hans Christian Andersen fairytale collection, so they can freshen up on ideas before the next Netflix documentary.
For all of those Tory Party members who made Liz Truss prime minister, I’ve bought you a DIY lobotomy kit, and for Suella Braverman a Virgin Holiday Experience voucher. Which can only be cashed in a Rwandan hotel.
Donald Trump receives an air fryer so he can hopefully fry his ’air, and Vladimir Putin some cyanide pills in the hope he’ll examine his conscience and swallow them.
For Cristiano Ronaldo I’ve sponsored an Argentinian goat called Lionel to remind him who the Greatest Of All Time is, and I’ve sent a 30p Lidl voucher to Tory clown Lee Anderson so he can show us how to cook a day’s meals from scratch.
Prince Andrew gets an Echo Dot so, at least with Alexa, he’s got one person who will talk to him, and Matt Hancock a pulping machine to save his publishers a lot of work with his Pandemic Diaries.
Staying with books, I’ve bought Boris Johnson 10 Waterstones gift vouchers so he has something to give to all the children he knows about, and every Red Wall Tory MP a guide which will come in handy soon called How To Cope When You’re Thrown On Life’s Scrapheap.
Nigel Farage gets a voice recorder so he can name one good thing that has come from his suicidal Brexit, Lib-Dem leader Ed Davey a waffle-maker, and Keir Starmer a set of special stabilisers for his bike to stop him veering too far to the right.
For Michelle Mone I’ve ordered 50 Glade plug-in air fresheners so she can get rid of the stench in her and her husband’s mansion, Qatari stooge David Beckham a compass to see if he can find his morals, and Liz Truss a lettuce so she can watch it wilt away, reminding her of the length of time she was prime minister.
Half-hearted apologist for misogynist hate Jeremy Clarkson gets a spade to help him carry on digging, and right-wing tabloid readers and viewers of GB’s Fox-lite TV channels get special glasses that allows them to see through bullsh**.
For Health Secretary Steve Barclay and Transport Secretary Mark Harper I’ve bought a Teach Yourself Sign Language guide as they have clearly lost the power of speech or they would be talking with workers trying to get the country moving.
And to every striking nurse, postie, railway worker and ambulance driver who kept us going through the pandemic, I’m just going to give you the money. Well someone has to because you need and deserve it.
Have a great Christmas, everyone. You too, deserve it.
