I’m a 29-year-old woman, my boyfriend is 32 and we have been together for more than a year. We moved in together a month after meeting. At the beginning, we had an amazing love life, often having sex daily. But after six months it was only once a week and it is now just once a month. I tried to talk to him about his lack of desire but he said that just made it worse. Recently, I found out he watches pornography every day and masturbates, which he doesn’t want me to know about. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to have sex with me but likes watching porn. Is it because he wants other girls, or he’s bored by what we get up to? He said he loves me and he does show it in other ways. Do you think things will change? I love him, but I want to have a good sex life, too.
You are smart to consider the long-term possibilities for your relationship. It is still early days in your discovery of each other, both sexually and in terms of other important factors such as trust. In order to be truly intimate and happy, a couple have to be able to talk about important issues, to trust each other and listen to each other’s needs. In your case, none of these things appears to be present. Sometimes couples need to learn to have important conversations regarding trust and sexuality in a productive way without feeling blamed – and a therapist can help with that. Some men are compulsively fixated on porn to the extent that they require professional help. You should talk through your needs and find out why exactly he has withdrawn sexually. There may be a medical or psychological reason, so try to approach him as a helper, without blame – and without assuming he is no longer attracted to you.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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