A woman claims her boyfriend was happier when she was sad and overweight- having put on a few pounds during depression after the death of her father.
The woman wrote to columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine to seek advice.
She said: "When I met my boyfriend two years ago, I wasn’t in a good place. I’d not long lost my dad and was very sad and depressed, and took to comfort eating in a big way. Then I met my boyfriend, who was really kind and supportive – so over the past two years, I’ve lost almost three stone in weight. It’s been a struggle at times but I feel so much better. I have lots more energy and feel more confident. I’ve got my spark back and all my friends (when they see me) are delighted for me and tell me I’m more like my old self.
"My boyfriend never saw me as I was before dad died, but I thought he would be happy with the new me. Instead, it’s as though he resents it. He’s never complimented me on how I look and gets really angry if I talk to other people, especially men. We’ve stopped going out so much, and when we do, it’s always somewhere quiet with few people about. He’s also started wanting to know where I am all the time.
"I really don’t understand why he’s behaving like this. There was a time not so long ago when we talked about getting married, but now I am not so sure it’s a good idea. Why can’t he see that I have changed for the better and be happy for me?"
Fiona replied: "When you met your boyfriend, you were seemingly in a weaker position, an unhappy person who needed help and support. He was the strong one and able to provide this – and I suspect he enjoyed that feeling of power and control. Now you’re strong, vibrant and positive, so I suspect it’s insecurity that’s driving this behaviour.
"You are no longer the overweight, insecure person he was first attracted to; the sort of person that probably gave him the feeling that he was needed. I’m sure he’s acutely aware of how much you have changed, but is finding it hard to adjust to the new you. He may also be worried that this new confident, happy person might not want to stay with him, and will perhaps go off with someone else.
"If you want this relationship to have a future, the two of you really need to talk. Explain how you feel and, if you do still have feelings for him, make sure he understands this, and perhaps get him to see that his love and support have helped you reach this stage. You do need to make it clear, though, that you can’t accept his attempts to control your every move.
"If he still loves and cares for you, then hopefully this will spur him into adjusting his behaviour. If, however, what he wants from a relationship is a woman he can dominate and control, then you may have to consider the possibility that you have outgrown this relationship. Hard though it may be to think about this, a jealous, controlling man will only, ultimately, make you very unhappy.
"You’re enjoying being you again – hopefully he has the sense and the self-esteem to realise that being in a relationship with someone who is happy will improve his chances of happiness too."
