My boyfriend has a rescue dog that has been known to bite people, particularly guests at his house. Although I’m no longer personally afraid of it, the thought of being liable for the dog in my home with my guests is intolerable to me (I have been stressed at by aggressive barking and attempts to bite guests when I have been present).
As a result, any plans to move in together have stalled. My boyfriend cannot imagine rehoming his dog, other than if we had a child, because he concedes the dog is not safe to be around an infant. How can we navigate this impasse and move forwards with our relationship?
Eleanor says: Caring for a dog is a serious responsibility, and as a prospective cohabitant or co-parent, you can learn a lot about a person’s capacities for love and attachment by how they treat the animals in their life (this is why you should never marry anyone who loses their temper with dogs).
The fact that his dog has bitten people is not a small thing. That’s a very serious problem which – as you rightly note – can have legal consequences.
So the fact that you can learn a lot about someone from how they treat animals cuts both ways in this situation.
There’s a version of this where the dog had a traumatic past but is now receiving a lot of exercise and training to try to curb its aggressive behaviour. Crucially, in this version, your boyfriend understands the problem – he’s horrified by the fact his dog has bitten guests, he now takes appropriate steps to separate the dog from guests if need be, and is very careful about walks and dog parks. In other words, he makes a serious show of indicating concern for the people the dog might hurt.
But there’s a version of this where he doesn’t get the issue. He might be one of those people who lets their dog snap at other dogs, or kids. Who offers sort of cooing protestations, with a broad expectation you’ll agree that it’s such a sweet dog, it doesn’t really matter.
If it’s the former, this need not be a red flag for your relationship. You’re on a long timeline if you’re thinking about having a family together. A few years of living separately while he continues to care for his dog might not feel so long in the eventual scheme of things and, in a way, his willingness to sacrifice and put time and work into the dog’s wellbeing might be a good sign of things to come.
If it’s the latter, though, you’re getting a big clue about how he’ll prioritise other people – especially you – over his convenience or self-sustaining fictions.
There will be times in your relationship, especially as a parent, where you need him to stand up for you. Now and then you’ll need him to say to other parents or teachers or kid’s friends: “That’s not an OK way to treat the person I love; and you won’t be doing it again on my watch.” If he’s letting you assume the stress and fear and social anxiety of a biting dog, without acknowledging it’s a burden you’re taking on for him, this tells you a lot about how much he values your wellbeing, never mind the dog’s.
So I think a great deal depends on his attitude.
His dog has hurt people. If he’s treating that as the grave problem it is, that’s one thing. But if he expects everyone else to agree it’s not a problem, this stalling period may be a blessing. Your boyfriend needs persuasion to notice how his decisions upset or endanger others, and you need space to assess how much you want to be with someone like that.
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