Ever since I’ve been with my boyfriend of two years, he gets an erection almost instantly when we’re in the bedroom. He then finishes very quickly, without any penetration and sometimes with no stimulation whatsoever. This happens every time. He then almost always finds it difficult to maintain an erection later that night. He is chronically sleep deprived and stressed due to work, and enjoys his alcohol, although we don’t drink when we’re together. I’m quite sure he’s attracted to me and the sex is not bad, but I wish he could maintain an erection more regularly.
You are accepting of a great deal. Why? Do you not think you deserve better or have a right to ask for change? Chronic sleep deprivation, alcohol abuse, rapid ejaculation with presumably little pleasure for you … plus the insecurities about attractiveness he is instilling in you. I’m trying to understand why you are putting up with things that are not good for either of you. There are treatments and solutions for all these issues so pay attention to your own needs as well as his and at least make him aware that this doesn’t work for you. You urgently need to educate him about what you want, and gently help him to understand he is getting into very unhealthy patterns of behaviour – sexually and work-wise – that are unnecessary and fixable.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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