If you see your name in a Sunday Sport headline, you can be sure something funny’s going on. It could be funny ha ha, or funny peculiar or, as in this case, both.
I’d been sent the article on my phone. The headline read as follows: “I make a GRAND A DAY cos they think I’m ADRIAN CHILES.” The pictures featured an all but naked man with his bits obscured. He looked a little like me. Gingerly, I expanded the image so I could read the text. As soon as I’d got the gist of the story, recoiling in horror, I pinched the page smaller again so I could read no more. I’d seen as much as I could stand for a moment.
The bare bones of it are as follows: a bloke in Leeds who looks a bit like me is earning money on the internet as my naked lookalike. I wouldn’t blame you if at this point you, as I did, stopped reading. Trust me, it gets worse.
After a few deep breaths – long exhale, short inhale, as the mindfulness manuals advise – I flicked the screen bigger again. I could only bear to read it one paragraph at a time. Quick look, shrink it again, deep breaths, re-expand, read, shrink and so on.
The first thing I read was the picture caption: “Adrian Chiles has fetishists called ‘Chillies’.” What? After three long breaths out, I went back in to get to the, er, bottom of this madness. In short, we are asked to believe that a former social worker called Mike is making a living on OnlyFans – described here as a “grot site” – impersonating me. “Mike said that the Chillies started with ‘vanilla’ requests but soon moved to hard stuff.”
Hard stuff? What hard stuff? Look away now. “They asked me to strip while reading out the weekend’s football scores or describing Brummie landmarks but it soon got darker.” Such as? “Someone paid me £500 to read out Chiles’ column in the Guardian while performing a sex act on myself. I thought at the time: ‘This is weird.’” Weird, Mike? Do you really think so? He’s getting paid more for doing what he said he was doing while reading out my column than I got for writing it. What’s the world coming to? Who are these Chillies anyway? “It’s mostly men but there’s a woman who pays me £200 a week to eat crumpets naked and dribble butter down my front all while spouting inane drivel in a West Midlands accent. Takes all sorts, I suppose,” adds Mike wisely.
My emotional response to all this has taught me a few things about myself, good and bad. Mostly bad. It must say something awful about me that I can’t shake off a distinct feeling of pride. I put this down to an inherent lack of self-esteem, mixed into a heady cocktail of twisted vanity. If I found out the story was entirely made up, I’d be relieved but also a little disappointed. And finally, I must admit I did think, if only briefly, that this chap’s making a grand a day, and if things went very wrong for me – well, never say never.
On the other hand, patting myself on the back somewhat, I’d say I’m professionally generous. The piece is credited to a Justin Dunn at the Sunday Sport and is a masterclass in the form. Respect. Also, I must have something approximating a compassionate streak because among my first thoughts were: is this Mike guy OK? Are these so-called “Chillies” OK? Although I suppose if I cared that much, I wouldn’t be giving this story any more air.
My goodness, Mike could make a pretty penny reading this column out loud, naked, featuring me writing about him reading my column out loud, naked. My head hurts.
Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster, writer and Guardian columnist
Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.
