The question My parents are both deceased. I have an older brother and neither of us have partners or kids. From when we were very young all the way through to adulthood, my brother regularly beat me up. My parents saw nothing sinister in it and said it was just normal rough play between boys, but I strongly disagreed. Eventually, the physical abuse stopped, but emotional abuse continued and he criticised everything about me, including my appearance, what I was doing with my life, and my partners. My parents never challenged him and even suggested I deserved it.
After my parents died, my brother was adamant he wanted a continued relationship with me. He has no partner or family of his own and has never sought one. The one-way flow of criticism in our relationship did not stop, so eventually I ceased all contact with him.
My problem is that I am still alone. Physical contact makes me uncomfortable. My parents were never physically demonstrative and the only experiences of touch I had were beatings administered by my brother. I feel that now I am in my 50s it is too late to change what has happened to me or to start again, but I don’t want to die alone and unloved.
Philippa’s answer Thank you for sharing your story, I’m sorry that all this happened to you. During childhood we go through our most formative experiences – the ones that imprint the belief system we live by. It’s tough if that system means that deep down and instinctively you feel physical contact to be potentially dangerous and fear close relationships as possibly humiliating, painful and unsupportive. It isn’t surprising that the physical and emotional abuse you suffered at the hands of your brother, and the lack of support you had from your parents, have left deep scars – scars that affect your relationships and your self-worth. But it’s never too late to start work to transform your life. You cannot change the past, but you can change the hold it has over you.
We are formed in relationships, so the good news is that we can re-form with another relationship. A new, deep and important connection can reset your belief system. When you experience a long-term relationship that is supportive – when you learn to feel cared for by another person – it can change your view of yourself and of the world. This can help you become vulnerable with another person, which is the basis for intimacy.
What is this re-forming partnership and where do you find it? It’s the relationship that it is possible to have with a psychotherapist. Long-term therapy, which is what I believe you need, is rarely available on the NHS, so you will need to invest time and money in your recovery. Then, even if you can afford it, it is tricky to find the right therapist. It’s not so much the type of therapy you choose that counts as much as how good a working alliance you and your therapist can make together. Go to a reputable website, like psychotherapy.org.uk, pick out a few local therapists and contact them. If you like the sound of them, go for an exploratory chat and ask them how they believe they may be able to help you. Go for the one your gut says will work best. I think it is important to meet at least three before you make your decision. You need someone who understands the concept of deeply embodied beliefs that have served you well, but are now outdated. You need to feel they could be capable of really knowing you and that, in time, you would be able to learn to trust them.
A cheaper alternative to one-to-one therapy, or another source of help you can have alongside personal therapy, is group therapy and/or a support group. Search online for local groups. Connecting with others going through their own psychotherapeutic journey can provide comfort and understanding.
I think it is healthy that you have estranged yourself from your brother, but it would be good to create a “chosen family” – a support network of friends who respect and care for you and you for them. These relationships can provide the emotional support and companionship you need: therapy groups and support groups are a great place to start looking. Engage in activities that bring a sense of purpose and fulfilment, whether that’s through work, volunteering or pursuing interests you’ve always wanted to explore. These areas are also places where you may find your chosen family.
Your feelings of loneliness and concern about the future are valid, but they do not have to define your future. You can find a path to a more fulfilling and connected life, and it’s never too late to seek change and to strive for love and happiness. Keep your focus on where you want to be, rather than on your worst fears of where you could end up. This makes a bigger difference than we might think.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader.
If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
