A mum who missed the first three months of her daughter’s life after being placed in a coma said she did not feel like her mother.
Saskia Lane, 22, caught Covid when she was seven months pregnant and little Betsy was born five weeks early in September last year.
Doctors feared the mum of two may not survive and her daughter was four weeks old before Saskia met her after an 11-week stay in intensive care.
The mum says she has struggled with her mental health since then and says although she is grateful to be alive, she feels she has missed irreplaceable moments with her daughter.
Saskia, from Horsham, West Sussex, said: “I was convinced she wouldn't know me.
“Betsy was already a month old when I first time saw her and three months old before I was able to walk again and push her pram.
"Often I was too tired to hold her and it triggered huge anxiety that we wouldn't bond.
"It was so unnatural holding her in but hooked up to monitors, I didn't feel like her mum, everyone was doing what I should have been doing.
"I had waited nine months to meet her and look after her and suddenly she was here and I couldn't do anything for her.
"Obviously I was so grateful to Lee and my family for looking after the girls, but I wanted to be doing it and I was so angry and jealous.
"Both my girls needed me at home but I couldn't move or speak and whilst I felt grateful to be alive, I was robbed of irreplaceable time with Betsy as a new born and seeing them bond as sisters.That has been so hard to accept.
"Everything was snatched away from me. I didn't get to choose her first outfit, I didn't get a choice to breastfeed.
"Family took so many photos of her first weeks, took her footprints and the nurses made a diary for me.
"I am grateful, but in all her first photos, I'm not there and that breaks my heart.”
Saskia added she knows she is lucky to be alive but feels she has missed several irreplaceable moments.
She said: “It's like a strange grief, which is difficult to explain.
"At the time my main concern was to get better, but on reflection it is very easy to get upset about everything I missed out on, which I can't get back.
“I just wanted to do things for myself - and for my girls.I didn't feel like their mum.
"I felt torn, guilty for feeling ungrateful because I was alive and home, but also depressed I wasn't doing what they needed.
"Lee did everything for all of us, he is amazing. He washed and dressed me, I was so weak I couldn't even look after myself, when all I wanted was to change a nappy or make a feed.
Saskia added she battled intrusive thoughts her youngest daughter wouldn't bond with her.
She said: "I really feared she wouldn't know me, Betsy didn't hear my voice until she was about 6 weeks old and even that didn't sound like me.
"I couldn't get up in the night, so Lee would do the night feeds and I cried to him that so many precious bonding processes were being lost.
"I waited so long to take Betsy to baby groups and swimming, but I have shocked everyone with the speed of my recovery and my kids were my focus and my determination.
On Betsy's first birthday Saskia and Lee organised a family party.
Saskia added: "Her birthday was so hard. It marked the day I was put in to the coma so it was a strange day, full of high emotions, not just for me but my family too, they all reflected on how that day they feared I might not wake up.
"We had a big party at my mum's with all our friends and family who supported us during such a dark time.
"We wanted to mark the two occasions and cutting the cake I had to hold back tears. It really hit me how much has happened in 12 months, how close I came to dying.
"It's certainly been a rollercoaster of a year, there were times when I thought I wouldn't see her grow up.
"Health wise I have recovered and my lungs have fully healed now. I am thankful of that.
"Emotionally, I still have down days but I am getting better and I have to accept what has happened and the emotional trauma.
"But I want to focus on getting out there and doing things with my children because you never know what is round the corner."
