At last. The full truth can be revealed. A story of self-sacrifice and public service. Of a man who has devoted his life to the nation. Heroism on a scale that was previously thought unimaginable.
For decades now, Prince Andrew has veered between being a national joke and a figure of shame. A byword for vanity, self-regard and abject stupidity. It’s quite the achievement to be thought the dimmest member of the royal family. That is a hotly contested accolade. His fall from grace has been on an epic scale. From Falklands war hero and Mummy’s favourite to total outsider. The pariah that even his brothers and sister keep at arm’s length.
The outside world could only see a human sponge. A man who thought he was doing people a favour if he paid them attention. The prince who would never knowingly pay for anything. Apart from a couple of margheritas from the Pizza Express in Woking. A regular Randy Andy at sex parties, elite golf courses and on other people’s private jets. A friend to tyrants and predators with whom others would not be seen dead.
But how wrong we all were. Because all that was just cover. His job, about which he was sworn to secrecy, was to get close to and expose some of the world’s most undesirable men and women. To do so meant going deep undercover for decades on end. How he longed to shout to the world that he was – always had been – one of the good guys. Yet his nobility, humility and devotion to the cause always took precedence.
Hanging out with Jeffrey Epstein in penthouse suites with underaged girls appalled him. But he took one for the team. Nor did he care about his own reputational damage. It was all about helping to take Big Jeff down. Job done. Only MI5 and Interpol would ever know how central he had been to that investigation. Good riddance to bad rubbish and all that.
That had just been for starters. His most dangerous operation yet had been to play everyone’s useful idiot. A role in which he had immersed himself. Mark Rylance would have been in awe of his acting skills. “What we need from you, your Princeship, is to get close to foreign spies, diplomats and dictators,” his handler had said. “Let them think that you’re corrupt. That, if they flatter you, they can get access to state secrets and the highest level of government.”
It was a rotten job but Andrew had understood its importance. All those hours he had spent having smoke blown up his arse by men who were using him to gain influence. Letting them think that he could easily be won over by freebies and flattery. Some jobs had been so big, he had needed accomplices. Step forward Theresa May and David Cameron. Code names: Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Under instructions to play dumb. Not hard.
And then the big time. Together they had lured in H6. Beijing’s answer to Dr No. Not many people could say they had been instrumental in taking down a major spy network. The director general of MI5 called it the agency’s greatest coup in a generation. Andrew was the spycatcher’s spycatcher. The elite of the elite. Though no one would ever know. His cover must not be broken. There would be a private medal ceremony at best. His personal satisfaction at a job well done his reward.
Sadly, none of this could be discussed in the Commons on Monday afternoon. Ahead of the urgent question granted to Iain Duncan Smith on the operations of the Chinese spy agency, the united front work department, in the UK, the speaker reminded MPs that the royal family was off limits in the debate. So no redemption for the Prince of Princes. He would continue to serve in silence.
So it was left to the security minister, Dan Jarvis, to illuminate the chamber on the Yang Tengbo – a court had lifted an injunction on H6’s name an hour earlier – operation. The government took the Chinese threat very seriously and its failure to set up the foreign influence registration scheme (Firs) was in no way linked to Keir Starmer’s enthusiasm for establishing closer links with President Xi. Definitely not. It was all down to the slow pace of the previous Conservative government. Which had also wanted closer ties with China. You couldn’t put a cigarette paper between the Labour and Tory China policies.
IDS has always been a hawk when it comes to China. How could such a dangerous spy have been allowed to get so close to the royal family? And why weren’t our spies as good as the Chinese ones? Even Jarvis didn’t have the answer to that one. Prince Andrew’s rarefied status was well above the pay grade of even the security minister. Yet again, Andy would have to suffer in silence.
Award for cheek went to the shadow home secretary, Chris Philp. “The prime minister has been too sycophantic to President Xi,” he said. Er … hang on a minute. This is the Philpster, who has made toadying an art form. The proverbial nose in search of a bum. The man for whom no pole is ever too greasy. No one can ever bow lower than Chris. He’d happily let Xi walk all over him.
Labour’s Paul Waugh thought it was time for some institutional memory upgrades in the Tory party. Theresa May had received a Chinese accolade for being prepared to overlook human rights abuses in her desire to foster better trading relations with Beijing. Oh do keep on abusing the Uyghurs if you have to. So sweet.
There was some embarrassment in the ministerial civil servants’ box next to the speaker’s chair when Tom Tugendhat insisted that Firs had been ready to be implemented at the time of the July election. It’s possible officials might have been a little optimistic in their assessment back in the summer. Tugendhat also wanted the Chinese to be categorised in the enhanced tier for the scheme. Jarvis remained noncommittal. Yet another thing above his pay grade.
We ended with a very grumpy Lee Anderson. The Reform MP had been hoping to cause a stir by naming Tengbo under parliamentary privilege. So brave. Such a freedom fighter. So he was immensely pissed off his name had already been released by the court. Why couldn’t the judges be more woke when you needed them to be? Instead, he just grumbled about something the government hadn’t done. Do try to keep up, Lee.
Prince Andrew switched off the television. They also serve who only stand and wait.
Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
