Being a parent can be rewarding and fun. But also frustrating as hell. If you have kids, you might be familiar with that annoying trait many of them have. It’s called ‘not listening‘. And the struggle is real. No matter how many times you say “No, don’t do that,” they continue to do it again, and again. And yet again the following day.
One mom thinks she has the answer. Namwila Mulwanda posted a video on TikTok explaining how to get out of the “Don’t, No, Stop” loop. According to her, “with toddlers, speak like Yoda, you must.” Basically, the mom believes that positive speech can help you out of a negative cycle. And bring some peace to the chaos that is raising kids. Bored Panda reached out to parenting expert Lisa Smith to find out what she thinks of the advice. Smith is the founder of The Peaceful Parent and was more than happy to chat with us.
Constantly saying ‘no’ to kids and being ignored can get old—and frustrating—fast
Image credits: namwilamulwanda
This mom believes if you say “no” without actually saying “no,” you have a better chance of being heard
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: namwilamulwanda
Watch the full TikTok video here:
@namwilamulwanda With toddlers, speak like Yoda, you must! When you see a child stare directly at you after you said no and they do that very thing, they’re not trying to be manipulative, they just a) *really* lack impulse control and b) perceive language differently to us 😅. Understanding how to avoid using negative language and instead using positive language can help work with your child’s brain and avoid some of those power struggles or tantrums. Let me know if this works for you and check out this playlist (and my parenting/ cycle breaking playlist) for more ✨ #gentleparenting #gentleparentingtips #parenting #parentingtoddlers #parentingtips #toddlersoftiktok #toddleradvice #momsoftiktok #dadsoftiktok #positivelanguage #foryoupage #viral ♬ Love You So – The King Khan & BBQ Show
“If you say ‘No running!’ the child only hears ‘running'”: a parenting expert adds their advice
Bored Panda decided to get a second opinion. So we reached out to parenting expert Lisa Smith. She’s the founder of The Peaceful Parent and by all accounts, she seemed to echo the advice shared in Namwila Mulwanda’s TikTok video.
Saying “no” or “don’t” isn’t inherently bad, says Smith, adding that the problem is that kids often hear it as rejection or control rather than guidance. “If you say ‘No running!’ the child only hears ‘running’—and their brain tends to focus on the action, not the instruction to stop,” the expert told us during our interview.
Instead of “no,” Smith suggests trying phrases like:
“Let’s walk instead.” This focuses on the action you do want, not the one you want them to stop.
“That’s not safe. Let’s try it this way” still holds a boundary but keeps the connection.
And “I can’t let you hit your brother. Let’s figure out why you’re upset” sets a limit but opens up emotional processing.
“Boundary-pushing is often about control and emotional safety,” Smith told Bored Panda. “Kids have a deep need to feel autonomous—they want to know that they have some control over their own lives.” She adds that when a child pushes back, they might be saying, “Do I have any power here?” or “Can I trust you to hold the boundary without getting angry at me?”
The peaceful parenting expert warns that strong-willed kids especially will push back to see if the boundary is solid because that makes them feel safe. “If they feel controlled, dismissed, or invalidated, they’ll push even harder,” she told us, and the tears welled up in our eyes.
It’s beginning to feel like a no-win situation. But the expert assures us it’s not. “The goal isn’t to avoid conflict, it’s to handle it calmly so they know you can stay steady even when they’re upset,” she advised.
“The key is to get curious, not furious”: expert explains how to get your kids to listen
Smith says if you feel like your child is constantly ignoring you, you should keep in mind that if a child isn’t listening, it’s usually not about defiance—it’s about an unmet need. “When kids push back or ignore requests, they might be feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or like they don’t have control over their lives,” she explained. “The key is to get curious, not furious.”
The expert says you should first check in with yourself. Are you tired, stressed, or emotionally drained? That energy can spill over to your child, she warns. Next, try to connect before you direct. “Kids are more likely to cooperate when they feel heard and emotionally safe,” Smith told Bored Panda.
She suggests that instead of repeating the same request louder or with more frustration, you might try something like, “It seems like you’re having a hard time following directions. What’s going on?” Smith says cooperation comes when kids feel respected and seen. Not when they feel controlled.
It should come as no surprise that Smith is a firm believer in gentle parenting. “Gentle parenting, which I call ‘Peaceful Parenting’ is based on the idea that kids do well when they feel connected and safe,” she says. “It’s not about being permissive—it’s about setting firm but compassionate boundaries while helping kids understand and regulate their emotions.”
Instead of punishment, Smith tells us that peaceful parenting focuses on teaching and guiding. “When a child misbehaves, it’s not about being ‘bad,’ it’s usually about an unmet need or a lack of emotional skills.”
But does it really work? We’re curious to know… Yes, says Smith. But not overnight. “Kids raised with respectful parenting tend to have stronger emotional regulation, better problem-solving skills, and more secure relationships as they grow, she tells us.
Before we end the interview, the parenting expert tells us that at the heart of all peaceful parenting is this idea:
“Kids want to cooperate. When they’re not, it’s usually because something is getting in the way—stress, lack of connection, emotional overwhelm, or feeling powerless. The goal isn’t perfect behavior, it’s building a relationship where both parent and child feel respected and heard.”
