The loss of a parent hurts in ways one cannot imagine. That’s especially true when you lose a parent at an early age. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the percentage of children ages 0-17 who have lost at least one parent is the lowest among all age groups, only 4.3%. But deceased parents still live in the hearts of their adult children.
The other parent, however, might move on. At least that’s what happened to this brother and sister, who had anniversaries for their deceased mother. When they didn’t invite their father who seemed to have moved on with his new wife, the dad flipped out and confronted his children.
A brother and sister didn’t invite their father to their mother’s death anniversary
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
When he confronted them, they argued that he had moved on and replaced their mother with another woman
Image credits: Gary Barnes / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ivan Samkov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Temporary_Pain_5576
Widowers can still grieve the deceased spouse, even when they are very happily remarried
Entering into a marriage with a widowed person comes with many challenges. The biggest one might be that the deceased spouse might never really go away. That’s especially true when there are children in the picture.
A woman marrying a widower shouldn’t aim to replace the deceased wife. In turn, the husband, family, and friends shouldn’t expect the new wife to be a substitute for the late wife. That’s why the healthiest way to deal with it is to avoid comparing and competing with the deceased spouse.
Of course, hearing about what a great mother and wife she was might not be that pleasant. However, it’s important to remember that the new wife knows what she signed up for and should accept her spouse’s past.
Experts advise educating yourself on grief in these cases. Just because the dad got married doesn’t mean he forgot his deceased wife. It’s important to understand the stages of grief and the fact that a person can grieve for a deceased spouse while simultaneously falling in love with someone else.
That does not mean that the widower is not committing or not all-in in the marriage. “Many other widows and widowers still grieve a deceased spouse, even when they are very happily and successfully remarried,” grief coach Iris Arenson-Fuller writes.
Moving forward should be about creating new memories together. For example, if the husband and his late wife used to vacation in Hawaii with the children, suggest going to Italy. Creating new traditions can be a great way to move forward appropriately.
“You must accept each other, and forge a new path together that doesn’t dwell on the past, but that recognizes and even honors it,” Arenson-Fuller claims.
Stepparents should honor the deceased parent’s memory and help stepchildren preserve it
Becoming a stepparent when a biological parent is deceased can be very difficult. If they want to build strong relationships and trust with their stepchildren, new stepparents need to understand that they will never replace the deceased parents.
Expecting that the children will simply forget because you hide away pictures is borderline comical. UK-based non-profit Child Bereavement emphasizes that stepparents need to respect their children’s emotions. Talk with them if they want to remember the deceased parent. If they’re feeling anger, they’re free to do so, as long as they don’t hurt themselves or anyone else.
The role of the stepparent isn’t to replace the deceased parent; it’s the role of someone new in the family who will support the children. That’s why helping children to remember their parents should be a stepparent’s job.
The author of The Art of Reassembly: A Memoir of Early Mother Loss and Aftergrief Peg Conway writes that stepparents need to allow space for memories of the deceased parent. “Keep pictures of them visible, acknowledge and mark their death anniversary and continue traditions that were important to the stepchildren, asking them which traditions are meaningful to them.”
Perhaps both the stepmother and the father made mistakes here not allowing their children to grieve properly. However, there’s still no knowing whether the father has truly moved on and feels no need to remember his deceased wife. In the end, everybody grieves differently and should be allowed to express their grief in ways they see fit.
The daughter clarified why the children felt animosity toward the stepmother
Some people thought the lack of invitation was justifiable: “He hasn’t joined you… in 11 years”
Others, however, thought it wasn’t fair of the kids to expect their dad to mourn their mother forever
Others suggested letting go of the bitterness and forgiving their father: “It’s not healthy”
