When you have kids from a previous relationship, dating can come with its challenges. If one of those kids has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), things get even trickier. Living with a Special Education Needs (SEN) child isn’t easy, and often requires family members to make sacrifices for their child’s wellbeing.
For a mother of three (one of whom is a 5-year-old ASD child) things got ugly when her fiancé refused to invite her and her kids on a holiday with his family. According to the fiancé, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone else who wants a relaxing weekend away. Now the mom is having doubts about their relationship.
More info: Mumsnet
Woman feels excluded after her fiancé refused to invite her and her two kids from a previous relationship on family weekend away
Hurt woman couldn’t believe fiancé would purposefully exclude her and her kids, one of whom is 5 years old and autistic
Fiancé claimed that bringing autistic child along on weekend away would upset the ‘chilled’ vibe
Woman met with ignorance, hostility, and anger when she complained about her and her kids being snubbed
Heartbroken woman asks community whether she should just get over it, or reassess the entire relationship with her fiancé
Says mom, “I just want my children to be happy”
Going by the name lucyloooooo on mumsnet, a mother of three (two from a previous relationship and one conceived with her fiancé) revealed to the community how hurt she felt after her partner purposefully excluded her and her first two kids from a weekend holiday with his immediate family.
According to the fiancé, it was not his place to invite the mom and her two kids to the weekend away organized by his family. Apparently, his family asked that he only bring his biological son on holiday. He then raised a second point that it wouldn’t be fair to the other family members to deal with the woman’s autistic 5-year-old when they just wanted a ‘chilled’ weekend away.
The mom let her fiancé know that that made her, and her kids feel excluded, but she was met with nothing but ignorance, hostility, and anger. Her fiancé claimed that her 5-year-old and 6-year-old weren’t his kids, so he wasn’t compelled to take them away in any case.
The mom admits that there have been occasions when she’s only taken her 6-year-old son on small outings to the arcade and such (only for a couple hours at most) but adds that now her partner is using that fact against her, claiming that it’s been OK to exclude her autistic child before, so what’s the big deal now?
The woman then asked her fiancé if he would at least take her low maintenance eldest son away, since he rarely gets to do much between having a baby brother and a differently abled brother, but the man still refused, saying he doesn’t want the responsibility of taking two kids away ‘alone’.
The mom went on to explain that, while her partner had said some pretty hurtful things over the past few days, nothing could compare to her fiancé’s indifferent treatment of her and her two kids. While her partner has told that she should just get over it, the woman now admits to having doubts about the relationship going forward.
If the couple can get over this upset and they actually go on to tie the knot, they’ll become what’s known as a blended family, but with the added aspect of having an autistic child in the marriage.
According to a CNBC article, U.S. Census data tells us that second marriages have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages. “This is partly because of the familial baggage each partner inherits.” says Lisa Marie Bobby, psychologist and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver. “The reason why second marriages often fail when there are kids involved is because of blended family dynamics,” Bobby says.
She adds, “They can be extremely difficult and take people by surprise.” That’s a lot for a new family to have to deal with, but according to Bobby, with humility and patience, you can make it work. So, blending families can be challenging but doable. What about the autism aspect in this equation?
According to an article for verywellhealth, writer and autism advocate Lisa Jo Rudy writes that raising an autistic child can be challenging, frustrating, and stressful for all involved. Among partners who care for autistic kids, there can be disagreements about the best treatments, the validity of a diagnosis, and how much time and money to devote to the child.
Rudy says that, for some couples, the process of addressing and resolving these issues leads to a stronger bond. For others, however, the stress can take a real toll on the relationship. In fact, research shows that parenting an autistic child is associated with increased marital conflict.
While it might look like the mum’s marriage is doomed before it even starts, that doesn’t have to be the case. Rudy writes that the key to preserving a good relationship is to keep the lines of communication open. Even if you disagree with your spouse or partner, it’s important to listen to their opinions and to why they feel strongly about what is best for the child.
While it may seem easier to divide and conquer, couples should work hard to share and collaborate on things concerning their child whenever possible. Autistic kids need consistency and showing them a “unified front” is beneficial. Some couples make it work by finding support from family or community.
An occasional date night, some financial support, or just a shoulder to cry on can help relieve the stress. Another thing to consider is respite care.
“The key is to ask for help when you need it, rather than simply toughing it out.” says Rudy
From what the mum of three wrote in her post, it certainly looks like the woman’s fiancé will need a major attitude adjustment before she’s going to give him the green light to go from engaged to betrothed. What do you think of the situation she finds herself in? Would you pull out of the engagement if you were in her shoes?
Let us know your opinions in the comments section!
One concerned community member responded by saying, “I wouldn’t be marrying him. It will only get worse. Get out while you can”
