There’s nothing like going on a romantic getaway with your partner. It’s so special to get to relax and unwind by the beach or sleep in until noon without feeling guilty or worrying about who needs you at work. But part of what makes going on vacation with your partner so special is having uninterrupted one-on-one time to bond.
One woman who doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important for couples to take trips together decided that she would try to weasel her way into her daughter’s vacation, but her son-in-law immediately shut her down. Below, you’ll find the full story that he shared on Reddit detailing why she won’t be welcome on their vacation, as well as a conversation with President and Founder of Couples Therapy Inc., Dr. Kathy McMahon.
Mothers and daughters often share a close bond that will never be broken
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
But when this man’s mother-in-law tried to insert herself into the vacation he planned with his wife, he immediately shut her down
Image credits: Ave Calvar / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: nmomtwwy
Image credits: Nicole Michalou / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Both husbands and wives often find themselves in conflict with their in-laws
We all love going on vacation. Whether it’s to see amazing nature that you can’t find back home, try exotic foods or simply get a break from work, everyone deserves to take a trip every now and then. And according to Marriage.com, couples who travel together stay together.
But this story is about much more than simply taking a vacation. So to gain more insight into this situation, we got in touch with Clinical Psychologist and President and Founder of Couples Therapy Inc., Dr. Kathy McMahon.
Dr. McMahon was kind enough to share her thoughts on this situation and make it clear that we invite people on vacation with us. They don’t invite themselves.
And while it may be more common to hear about women having issues with their in-laws, the therapist says both husbands and wives have manipulative parents. “The issue is whether the couple are able to keep a united front on how to handle the manipulation when faced with it,” she noted.
“The issues are often the same for both spouses: A parent of an adult child is trying to directly or indirectly manipulate the child’s behavior to correspond to how the parent would like them to behave, and the spouse is supposed to just cooperate,” Dr. McMahon explained.
Image credits: Kindel Media / Pexels (not the actual photo)
“Manipulative parents threaten WWIII the way a schoolyard bully threatens a beating if you don’t hand over your lunch money”
“If you look back on the parent-child relationship, we often see that the now adult was often manipulated this way when they were dependent upon their parent(s). Now that they are married, the spouse is seen as a barrier to that manipulation, and this barrier needs to be overcome for that abusive behavior to continue,” the therapist shared. “Manipulative parents threaten WWIII the way a schoolyard bully threatens a beating if you don’t hand over your lunch money.”
But, unlike a physical threat, Dr. McMahon says an emotional threat is only as good as the vulnerability of the person hearing it. “In this case, the wife seems to have tried to set her limits by insisting that she discuss her Mother coming with her husband on the trip after she hung up,” she explained. “This is a smart move. It would allow the family unit (husband and wife) to make a decision together.”
“The wife’s downfall was in not holding that limit, and mentioning the request before she got off the phone,” the expert says. “Nevertheless, the outrageousness of the ask prompted the very understandable ‘Hell, no!’ from the husband.”
Dr. McMahon says that any fallout from this phone call should be handled by the wife. “After all, she allowed her mother to penetrate the boundary the wife herself had attempted to set up,” she noted. “Now her job is to take on the heat herself: ‘No, Mom, neither of us are inviting you with us on this trip. I said I would ask, but I wasn’t excited about it either. I hear you are disappointed. However, it’s our trip and our decision.'”
The therapist says that, while this is probably not the case in this story, some children with dominating parents do allow their spouses to be used as ‘whipping boys’ to save themselves from the mental anguish of dealing with their parents directly. “This is seldom a smart move,” she noted.
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
“It is a task of adult development to establish appropriate boundaries with our parents”
“A good rule of thumb is that each spouse handles their own family-of-origin, and runs interference if necessary,” Dr. McMahon suggests. “Then, if you have an issue with how your spouse treats your family members, you have that conversation in private with them.”
“Never allow what therapists call ‘triangulation,'” the expert warns. “In this case, it might be her mother insisting, ‘You would let me go, it is only BILL who doesn’t want me there.’ Don’t let this stand. Answer: ‘No, Mom, both of us made that decision.'”
“His wife would also benefit from seeing a therapist to work through the strain she feels in dealing with her mother,” Dr. McMahon says. “It is a task of adult development to establish appropriate boundaries with our parents, and the contributor states that this is a strain on his wife.”
“Any person would resent a mother-in-law who leaves his wife ‘feeling like garbage’ for an hour after a phone call. But he really shouldn’t be put in the roll of the ‘clean-up committee.’ That’s a therapist’s job,” the psychologist noted. “Let them do it, and his wife learn the necessary skills of dealing with difficult people.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation below, pandas. Feel free to weigh in, and then check out this Bored Panda article discussing similar family drama.
Many readers assured the man that he had done nothing wrong, and he joined in on the conversation to provide more details
However, some thought that the author could have handled the situation more delicately
