We call vacuuming, cleaning, and cooking “chores” because they are work, and nobody actually wants to do them. We do them because we have to. And that burden usually falls on the shoulders of women in the family. The Pew Research Center published a report in April of 2023 that revealed even wives who are primary earners spend more time on childcare and housework.
One Redditor wanted to hear the opinions of other women on the topic. She recently asked on r/TwoXChromosomes to provide examples of how their partners weaponize incompetence and what excuses they usually use. And the women of Reddit did not disappoint.
The curious Redditor u/Business-Wrangler-61 was kind enough to have a short chat with Bored Panda. You can read our conversation with her below!
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"The post was a spur-of-the-moment thing, prompted by someone accusing me [of] keeping the forks in an illogical place so they couldn't empty the dishwasher," u/Business-Wrangler-61 told Bored Panda. "They are in the drawer with all the other cutlery where he has found a fork when he needs one many times," the Redditor clarified.
She believes that situations like this are common when people live together. And, in her opinion, it’s not only men that can weaponize incompetence. "I think that a lot of people, often, but not exclusively women, struggle with inept or unwilling partners."
"It is infuriating but also ridiculous, and I wanted to hear the daft excuses other women have heard. It can't just be me. And sure enough, lots of people knew exactly what I was talking about. I enjoyed the sisterhood in mocking these 'incompedances.'"
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The Redditor admits that she's not a stranger to hearing all kinds of excuses from men. "I coped with those behaviors all my life, but the only solution I found is leaving. They don't want to change, and after a while, the pretending not to see the mess or what the children need becomes an insidious form of abuse."
u/Business-Wrangler-61 also agrees that we as a society (both men and women) are becoming more and more educated about the division of housework and what the mental load is.
"We are absolutely becoming more educated, but recent development worries me. I think men always knew how but didn't want to, and increasingly now, especially in the US, people advocate more traditional gender dynamics. I don't like it one bit," the Redditor adds.
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Although 'the mental load' has become a trendy buzzword on the Internet, it's still useful to know what the exact definition is. "The mental load is the decision-making, planning, and organizing that goes into keeping our lives together," life coach and educator Laura Danger told Bored Panda in an earlier interview.
"For example, if you're planning a meal for your family, you have to consider your family's food preferences, allergies, schedules, dietary restrictions and needs, and so much more. The mental load is making sure all of the boxes are checked off and also that each task interacts just the right way with all of the other tasks. Our lives are like big machines, and it takes mental labor to fit all of the gears together," Danger explained.
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The statistics show that women tend to take on more of the mental load than men in families. "Even the most progressive partnerships slip into this dynamic," Danger told Bored Panda back then. "The social messaging that men should define themselves through work and women should define themselves through care and domestic labor is loud!"
"Domestic labor is feminized labor. Housework is seen as women's work, so women are taught to do it, encouraged to do it well, and are judged on it. Even if you're not explicitly taught that your job is to do housework, the messaging is loud and clear in media and in so many other aspects of our culture that women are innately better at housework. It's simply not true. Domestic work is skilled work. Gender has nothing to do with how well someone does it. It's learned."
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Alas, there are ways that partners can try to resolve this issue. Danger told us that communication is key in situations like this. "Assume positive intent. You're in a partnership because you love one another and want to show up for one another. Imbalanced partnerships fall into a trap of one person carrying more of the mental load than the other, and you end up with one person over-burdened and the other left out."
So what can couples do? "You can start with the positives," Laura suggested. "If you two start taking the household and mental load seriously, you're both going to feel more empowered to make decisions that align with your needs. You're both going to feel more heard. You're both going to feel valued and connected."
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"If you're dealing with imbalance, you're likely in what I call the 'Nag Paradox,' where one person giving directions or soliciting support ends up feeling like criticism to the other. Then that person acts defensively, and you ping-pong yourselves into resentment." Danger said that partners who want to work through this argument should make clear agreements on who does what.
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I think the winner comes from a man I know (not my partner, thankfully), who said the following about why he never helped cook: "Well, MY time is valuable." Really cuts to the chase, right?.Told me he’d let his cleaning lady go as soon as we went official.
You know…since he now has me.
I laughed in his face for several minutes. Told him to call, apologise profusely and beg for her back. Ended it with him as he wanted a mother not a lover.I don't know but my ex husband took me to court and said that I didn't give the baby enough baths as a reason he should get full custody(disagreement about baby skin care). When the judge asked him why he didn't give the baths then he couldn't understand the question? He was legit confused because he was just the dad and dads don't do baths."I didn't do it because I need you to make me a chore chart so I know what I need to do"
*Makes chore chart*
"I didn't do it because you didn't remind me of what was on the chore chart"
GET IN THE BIN YOU ABSOLUTE CHILD
*dw guys this guy is looong gone from my life and I have never known such peace.My ex said he didn’t know how to use the washing machine. Also argued that men and women have different vision and men can’t actually see what needs cleaning and that’s why they don’t do it. .My ex wouldn’t ever start dinner even if I was working late because he needed to check what to cook with me first. He would say ‘If I just start something you won’t be happy because you’re picky’. I believe this was in reference to a point in time about 5 years prior where I was pregnant and declined some meals due to morning sickness. I had reassured him a million times that he could start cooking anything on the meal plan (yes I would even write out a f*****g plan!!). I’d still get the ‘you’re picky’ excuse."I couldn't make dinner because I went out with a friend. You wouldn't understand because I actually have a life"
Essentially anything he didn't want to do I had to do because he had more friends than I did. None of his friends last more than a couple years though.Someone else’s ex proudly declared he couldn’t even boil an egg. I asked him if it was a mental thing or a physical thing that stopped him. Oooo… touched on his “manliness”. LOL.My partner is an amazing woman who would never pull this s**t, but my ex-husband was the king of stupid excuses. Here are some of his greatest hits:
"I can't do dishes because my ex used to nag me about it and every time I'm doing dishes, I just hear her voice nagging me."
"I figured you'd want me to sleep since I worked all week." (After sleeping until 11 AM on a day we were moving.)
"I can't tell which clothes go to which kid, and that's why I didn't fold the laundry and put it away." (The kids were 6 years old and 6 months old. They didn't wear the same size.) .Him: 'I just didn't notice the small details' this man is a very successful and competent designer and maker of circuit boards.
........yep.I’ll start this off by saying my husband is a totally equal partner. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, and looks after our child without issue 99.9% of the time. But he bears the brunt of childcare for our daughter during the summer when she’s not in camp because he has many days off during my work week.
He was really burnt out back when she was 4 and tried to tell me in a fit of frustration that childcare is easier for me because women are genetically programmed to be patient with children.
When I tell you I laughed in his face and told him to go f**k himself, I am not exaggerating. He later apologized and remains a great dad and husband dispute this one lapse in sanity.
And don’t think I ever miss an opportunity to (jokingly) tell him he’s genetically programmed to move furniture, carry the shopping bags, mow the lawn, bbq, and maintain our cars.I once asked my husband if he wanted to use a project managing/task app to help us keep track of and divvy up chores. I worked in project management so l knew lots of ways to set that up.
He declined because he “didn’t want to feel like he worked for me.” Because me instead having to actively project manage all our household tasks somehow doesn’t already give him that feeling. ?.I used to make nice dinners for my ex and I. When I asked him (multiple times) to help with clean up he just wouldn’t. One particular time that I asked he said “It’s your job to clean the pots and pans because you’re the one who made them dirty.”
Nevermind that they got dirty cooking a dinner that HE always greedily ate. It took me way too long to finally say, “If you want any part of this dinner that I am about to make, then you’re going to clean this pot and that pan after. Agree now or I’m adding onions.” (He refused to eat anything with onions in it.) It worked briefly. I broke up w/ him not long after that for many reasons too numerous to list here.My ex, after I had our first baby, told me that I can't expect him to change diapers and look after the baby because he used to have to look after his baby brothers when he was 15. He was 22 when he said this. So basically, he knew how but was tired of doing things like looking after babies even if it's his own baby.
Edited to add: his mother said this was a lie. He had a job and school at 15. He changed the occasional diaper.My ex. He couldn't help fold towels because he 'didn't know which were medium and which were large'.
He couldn't do the food shop because he'd 'get it wrong' but I also had to time when to ask him, make sure it wasn't during drinking time, or when he was too hungover, since I didn't drive. He wouldn't wait for too long so he'd say I'd have to get the important stuff and could get the rest 'later' which is a magical time that never came. And I'd be expected to make meals out what I'd managed to grab in the 20 mins he was ok to be at the shop. I once tried to walk to the shop in 30+ degree heat and a mutual friend drove past me and gave me a lift. He was embarrassed because they asked why he hadn't taken me.
I could never have leftovers because he'd thought they were for him and dealing with his bad mood over it was worse than letting him eat whatever he wanted. So I'd make the meal, tidy up after it, box up leftovers, and put them in the fridge.
If I ate them, he would tell me he had wanted it. If I didn't eat it and it went bad, it was my fault I didn't remind him to eat it. If I had a sandwich and left him the leftovers, he would have wanted the sandwich and I ruined it for him.
It got to the point I didn't even pick something to watch when he was out. Because I'd have to hear every thought that entered his head about what I watched when he got in and saw it on TV. If it was a movie he hadn't seen 'he couldn't watch it now' if it was something I alone enjoyed he'd ask why I'd watch such awful things and ask how I could enjoy it while poking fun at it.
When I'd asked him to do a task, it went undone for months, then he was 'about to do that' when I did it.
He 'didn't see dirt'. Or he didn't deem it dirty, therefore cleaning wasn't required. One day he said 'it needs mopped in here.' I said 'are you going to mop?' He literally laughed in my face.
The week after I left him, he asked me how to work the washing machine because his clothes were stiff.
The week after that I got a text meant to make me feel really sorry for him. He said 'I'm moving, you're so much better at packing than I am, I'll end up with just a spoon and a mug'.
I wrote back 'at least you can have a cup of tea'. That was the last time I spoke to him.When arguing about the work that we each put into managing our lives and household, where I was crying about the mental load of laundry, solely shopping for groceries, solely driving around for our errands, dishes, and managing the housekeeper we'd hired because he couldn't be bothered to do the above regularly, he said "but I feel I'm always working hard to find us fun games to play and movies to watch and I feel you don't appreciate that"
and he was completely serious
I know sexuality is not a choice because I WISH I were a lesbian.I worked today!
Paired perfectly with
It’s my day off!.One time, my ex broke his hand (being a drunken idiot) and used that as an excuse not to do anything. He once looked me directly in the face and said, and I quote, "What do you expect me to do, empty the dishwasher with *one hand?*".“But I have to work! I have a job!” I’m legally disabled, and am responsible for all things home and child related. Because he has a job.
“Well, my dad never changed a diaper, I don’t see why I should!” Yeah, and you been in counseling for not having a good relationship with your dad, but now he’s your role model?.I called out my uncle for never cleaning up after himself while living with me and pointing out how my grandma with cancer and dementia in her 80s was cleaning up after him until she went to hospice and this m’fer ACTUALLY said!!!! “But I thought you and mama liked cleaning and doing things for me?” F*****g no.My ex: "You do it better anyway." Especially with infant/toddler caring things like diapers.
But, wow, did he pipe in if I cooked something the wrong way and he didn't like it. He'd lecture me on whether or not to put salt in boiling water for pasta. And yet, when I asked him to cook, it was too big of a chore. 'You're better at it.'
Good effing riddance.My spouse once blamed my mother for not offering to take the baby for him so he could clean.My ex would say he doesn’t have to help w chores because even though we both worked 40 hrs a week, I “worked closer to home” so therefore I had more time and should do the majority of them.“I don’t know what towel you like to use” when asked why he replaced his bathroom towel with a clean one and not mine. Our towels are matching. Always have been.The first Christmas we were living together, his mom was coming to stay with us. He asked what I got her? What?? I hardly know her and she’s made it clear she doesn’t like me very much??? But you’re so good at gift giving!!! Yeah, for people I like!!! Christmas Eve, he’s still thinking I sorted it out, color him shocked when I said no and he had to go out 30min before stores closed to get her something ??.My husband once said (in the early days of our marriage) that he didn't clean or do laundry or do dishes because he didn't want to mess with **my** systems.
You can believe my response was swift and brutal - "I only have systems because I'm the only one doing anything!"
Oh and one time he got annoyed with me for suggesting he do a load of laundry - "but you've never shown me how to use the washing machine!"
I mean imagine considering yourself a smart man and never once recognising that learning a new task as an adult is your own responsibility... I swear.My spouse told me he didn't see the dishes piled in the sink after days of them getting piled. I'd left them to see how long it would take for him to notice and put them in the dishwasher. He sure did notice after I took a mug off the top and smashed it on the floor right in front of him. I'm not a violent person but I came very very close to something I'd regret. My reaction shook him out of his complacency and we've not had an issue since. I do not recommend this course of action in general. .My friends husband said this a while ago: "if I do it more often, you're going to start expecting me to do it".
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?.Not my partner but I once knew a guy who said he had done enough dishes for this lifetime. He was 25.I can't do the dishes because you're not happy with the way I do it. (without soap, leaving bits of food on them)
I can't clean because you're not happy with the way I do it (just generalizing from the dishes here, but it's not really true - cleaning badly is better than no cleaning imo)
I can't cook because we have no food.
I can't buy food because no one's made a list.
I can't .... realizes he can in fact make a list. Doesn't.Him: I'm out of clean [insert clothing item here]
Me:
Him: why didn't you do laundry?
Me: why didn't you? I don't inventory your closet or dresser
Him: you should have known!
Commence him doing a load, usually one outfit.
He never washed any clothes but his own, and he would claim he didn't know when I needed the machine. Sundays. I always did the entire household's laundry on Sunday.
We're divorced now.*When is (event) happening?* Verbally tell him. *I forgot, when is (event) is happening?* Tell him and write it on the calendar in the kitchen. *Did you ever find out when (event) is happening?* Tell him, show him the calendar in the kitchen, send him an email. *Hey! You never let me know when (event) is happening.* Ragefully tell him AGAIN, point angrily at the calendar AGAIN, pull up the email and show him, then ask do I need to write it on a piece of construction paper and tape it to your computer screen? *What's your problem? I just asked....*."I have ADHD." "I'm too tired." "My stomach hurts."
B***H ME TOO.I didn't know what to do because you didn't tell me.
*tells him*
I don't remember very well. Write it down.
*writes it down*
I lost that. Email me a list so I can add it to my digital to-dos.
*emails*
My email is crazy lately. Just text me.
*texts*
Call me when you're texting something important.
*calls*
You can't just tell me things, I'll forget. Please write it down.
!!
??.I had an ex who told me that he didn’t notice when things weren’t clean, but if I told him to clean it then he would. I told him that no one tells me what to clean, he isn’t vision impaired, and I am not his mother.My industrial engineer husband couldn’t turn on the dishwasher because he ‘didn’t know how it worked’.“You want me to clean up after the dinner that you cooked for us? But I picked up a package for you earlier this week” (from the package room, in our building lobby, which he only went to because he thought the package was for him)
Another time, I left town for a work trip on a Tuesday. We were out of paper towels. Came home on Sunday night and he still hadn’t bought paper towels. His excuse? One of our friends stayed with us for a night that week and had used the last paper towel, so he was waiting on the friend to buy us more. (?????) He also hadn’t touched the dirty sheets or towels that the friend left…
This is just a roommate, not a partner, but definitely makes me very wary of cohabitation with a man!."I don't know where it goes." When asked to put some kitchen things away.
You are the one who regularly uses them. What location would to go to GET it? Well, that would be where you put it back.
It was a brain fart moment. I think he regretted it as he heard himself say it.Because he's tired/slept bad. I am NINE MONTHS PREGNANT ."If you wanted me to do it all you needed to do was ask."
"I forgot about it."
"It's late I'll get it in the morning." [Refer to previous excuse the next day.]
"I'm just don't feel like doing it.".His explanation for why he was unable to take his dosh to the sink, "My mother would NEVER host dinner and then expect everyone to pit their own dish in the sink when they were done!"
I asked if he was referring to her hosting guests or her expectations for literal children.
Of course, whenever he cooked I was expected to do the dishes/clean up the mess because "He cooked.", but that never seemed to apply to him.I have never met a man that didn’t have “acquired helplessness” other than my dad. It’s so manipulative!.My ex-husband once told me that he couldn't be expected to throw away his candy wrappers and fast food garbage on the nightstand because the wastebasket wasn't conveniently located. He also liked to say that he couldn't do dishes because there were too many in the sink, but I couldn't get a countertop dishwasher because it would take up too much space. (Guess who did all the cooking? Not him!)
Anyway I have a countertop dishwasher and a wastebasket that never seems to be too far away, now."Women are natural carers"
"I work full-time and you're only part time"
"You're just better at it"
Yeah he's my ex now.“We just have different thresholds for this stuff” “I just don’t think of this kind of stuff like you do”. Blah blah blah blah blah."I can't tell boss I can't work late! It would look bad!/There was no one else who could stay late because they have kids!" Mister, **you** have kids too and it's **your** night to take care of the kids and dinner. **You** wanted an employed outside wife. That means **you** make sacrifices "how it will look"/hunting trips to make that happen. .Not a partner, but I had a male friend visit from out of town several years ago, and a group of all our mutual friends came to my place for dinner.
My friend said he couldn't help with cleanup because he was feeling sick from the dinner, having some kind of reaction. Friends and I said okay, and cleaned up. (I will say this friend group was like 75% male!)
Then my friend woke up early the next day, and ate all of the leftovers. ?
We didn't stay in touch after that trip.Not a partner, but a roommate once told me that he didn't vacuum because he didn't understand how to remove the wet-dry vacuum attachment. The kind you literally pull off. Same guy looked at the dish rack & said he didn't understand my system (just put the dishes in).“I don’t see the dirt” - my ex, with his whole chest.Ex never claimed ignorance or (gods forbid) that I was more capable. But he’d make such a scene in actually doing anything I asked of him that it was less stressful for me to just take it all on myself.
