Put the time in
There is no getting around it, you have to make time to be a good friend. According to Robin Dunbar, professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford and author of Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships, we need to spend the equivalent of nine minutes a day to maintain a healthy relationship with our closest network of friends, which he admits is “barely time to raise your coffee cup to each other”, so one meet-up a week is more realistic. If you fail to do that, “the friendship starts to decay”, says Dunbar.
Be the initiator
Don’t be afraid to take the lead in your social life, says Max Dickins, author of Billy No-Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem. “Be the one who sends the texts, organises the pub meet-up, that gets people together for someone’s birthday. It takes effort and intention, but it goes a long way.” For male relationships, he says, it is particularly important that someone takes on this role: “When life is busy, and you’ve got bums to wipe if you’re a parent or a super-busy career, you need the pegs in place to keep the whole social tent up.”
“Revitalising an old friendship is all about picking up the phone and saying, ‘Do you fancy going for a ramble in the hills or dinner somewhere?’” says Dunbar. “Some semi-social activity that provides the opportunity to engage in conversation to reboot it.”
Communication is key
If someone is flaky or not pulling their weight in your friendship, tell them, says Dickins. “Your friend may lack the self-awareness to know that they are not putting in their fair share, or they may not be aware that you’re hurt or irritated by it.” This is easier said than done, as most of us don’t communicate very honestly in friendships.
“We don’t take friendships as seriously as romantic relationships, and we don’t have the same scripts,” says Dickins. He shares the story of a friend who he was meant to meet up with at the weekend. Dickins sent a text asking if they were still on but his friend didn’t reply until Monday. “I had to say to him, ‘This is the third time in a row you’ve cancelled and it’s pretty frustrating’.”
His friend was fairly mortified. So make sure “You approach these conversations in a non-blaming way,” says clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer. “Use it as an opportunity to reiterate your desire to stay connected and your willingness to make it work.” She suggests saying something like: “I’ve noticed we’re spending less time together/not chatting as often. Is this something you’ve noticed as well? I’m bringing this up because our friendship is something I really care about. Can we talk about this and what might be going on?”
Kirmayer has seen the benefits of such openness. “One of the themes I see is that friendships where both people prioritise open, transparent communication – like we often do in our romantic relationships – not only have the best chance of surviving, but they are often the closest and most fulfilling.”
Find regular activities to do together
“For some people, especially as we age and become busy, friendship carries high expectations,” says Sheila Liming, an academic and author of Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time. “That is where we run into trouble, when we feel like the time that we spend with someone else ends up not being worth it.” To avoid this, Liming advises creating “small rituals or frequent interactions with friends, so that those interactions don’t carry that burden or expectation that everything has to be perfect.” For her, this involves popping to friends’ houses for a cuppa and a catch-up, and signalling that she is always open to this too.
Nina Badzin, host of the Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship podcast, recommends taking up a regular pastime with your pals: “There is a reason everyone is playing pickleball. So much of the work of staying close is about time spent together – and scheduling that time is challenging. If you have something that already exists on the calendar, a big portion of what’s hard about staying connected is already done for you.” Dunbar points to research on joining a choir being particularly positive for friends, as singing together causes a greater endorphin release. The same goes for running together.
Give people a second chance
“Friendships can come with a lot of discomfort,” says Liming. “The more you practise building your relationships, the more stamina you build up for working on the ones that have become a little difficult. One of my big mantras is to give it a second chance. And a third, fourth, fifth and sixth chance too, because sometimes that is what friendship requires. Someone might be having a bad day, or going through a tough time. Or we feel like we’re being neglected by someone who we thought was a close friend. One of the best things you can do is signal that you’re still around for someone and wait until they’re in a better place.”
It is only human says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships, to “lament a lost or broken friendship. There are instances where someone will reconnect with an old friend and the friendship comes to life again. However, this only happens if there is forgiveness and the two friends are able to move past whatever the incident was that ended their relationship. If tension is still brewing, there is less opportunity to go forward.”
Meet IRL (and touch)
“Don’t turn your real-life friend into an online friend,” says Badzin. Friendship maintenance should ideally take place in person. Make the effort to visit when possible. “Long-distance friends should try to get a trip on the calendar or a visit to one of the friend’s homes,” she says.
“There is a face-to-face premium,” says Dunbar. “Technology helps to keep friendships going, but there is nothing like being across the table, staring into the other person’s eyes, and making physical contact with them.” This is the basis of all primate social relationships, he says, and happens constantly during conversations. “The amount of body surface it is permissible to touch during interactions is directly correlated with the emotional closeness of the relationship.”
Pick up the phone
Long-distance friendships are particularly prone to going stale. “If you are long-distance friends, you still need to shake up the way you stay in touch,” Badzin says. “Pick up the phone and talk while you’re each running errands. Set up an appointment for a FaceTime call. It doesn’t sound exciting or spontaneous, but if the friendship feels stale, it’s usually because too much time passes on a regular basis between quality time together, which keeps you stuck in the same catch-up conversation.”
“Voice notes can be useful for a quick update but they shouldn’t be relied upon,” adds Badzin. “When overused in place of a call, there can be an endlessness to voice notes that doesn’t scratch the itch in the way a deeper conversation can.”
Schedule a date night
“Bring a sense of romance into your friendships by going on a regular friend date,” says relationship coach Vicki Pavitt. “You could take turns to woo each other and think about ways to make your dates special, like dressing-up, choosing a different restaurant every time, or attending art galleries together. Turn your dates into a celebration of each other and your friendship.
It is important to carve out time to create new memories,” Kirmayer says. “whether it’s trying out new activities, exploring unfamiliar places, or planning a getaway or festival together. Our friendships thrive with newness and benefit from shared feelings of excitement and novelty.”
Acknowledge that relationships change
The longest friendships will experience great shifts and changes over the course of each person’s life, so it is important to accept that they will evolve too.
“There may be moments when we feel a little more distant, and others where we feel incredibly close,” Kirmayer says. “It is important, then, to let go of all-or-nothing thinking. A friendship can still be worth holding on to when it no longer resembles its initial form.”
Recognise when you’ve grown apart
“When a friendship goes stale, it helps to ask yourself what kind of friendship it was,” says Lydia Denworth, author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond.
“Not everyone will be a friend for life and that’s OK,” Denworth says. “People change, they grow apart, they lose that thing that bound them together. There are friends that sustain us and friends that drain us. Be honest with yourself about that and look to keep the people who sustain you.”
