Crack dens are going up in the world. Time was when you knew where you stood with a crack den. Assorted pipes and other paraphernalia. Blood on the walls. Tatty curtains blocking out the light from the windows.
Now we are asked to believe that while Theresa May was prime minister, the flat at No 10 doubled up as a crack den. An upmarket concern, decorated throughout by John Lewis, for the more discerning drug addict. The sort of den to which Michael Gove could only aspire. You should see the state of his kitchen on a Saturday night.
I have to admit, I hadn’t previously had the Maybot down as a crack addict. True, she rarely spoke and when she did she sounded barely human. “Brexit means Brexit” always came out as a deathly croak. But there was always something rather wholesome about her. How wrong can you be. First thing every morning – before she had even got dressed – she would have her face buried in some rocks.
How do we know this? Because this is what Boris Johnson told LBC’s Nick Ferrari on Tuesday morning during an interview about his unreliable memoir, Unleashed. He had had to have the flat in No 10 redecorated when he became prime minister because the previous incumbent had left it looking like a crack den. Though this didn’t explain why he felt the need to turn it into a migraine-inducing boudoir. But never mind. Boris had told us it was a crack den. So a crack den it must be. Because Boris is not the sort of person to tell a lie.
It’s been less than a week since Johnson began the publicity round of interviews for Unleashed but it feels so much longer. I am now suffering from Weltschmerz. A world weariness that seeps into my very bones. I doubt I am alone. Too tired to fight when he talks over yet another question. Almost too tired to count the lies that compete to escape his lips. And yet, something forces me to go on. Someone needs to keep saying that this is not normal.
There’s something wrong when you can’t trust a word a former prime minister says. To be silent is to be complicit. So I force myself to listen. Maybe after this he will finally go away for a while. At least shrink back to not writing the Shakespeare book. To rehashing the same speech for £250,000 a go to people who should know better. But good luck to him. Just as long as he leaves the rest of us alone.
For now, just imagine what it takes to believe Johnson. The lapses in cognition and judgment you need to make to accommodate his reality. Starting with the rest of his LBC interview. His outrage at Keir Starmer taking freebies. This from a man who persuaded Lord Brownlow to stump up the cash to convert the crack den into something even more hideous. This turned out to only be a loan after the story got out and Boris was forced to spend his own cash. Then there were the foreign holidays. And his wedding. What sort of sucker ever pays for those sorts of things? But Boris has told us he doesn’t accept freebies. And Boris would never lie.
Moving on to Brexit. What marks out of 10 would Johnson give Brexit so far? A solid nine. This was just gaslighting. Even most Brexiters don’t think Brexit is a success. Largely because they never got round to saying what their ideal Brexit was. They just happen to know that this isn’t it. The perfect Brexit is always out of reach. Apart from for Boris who is near enough living his best life. So why can’t we all just be a little more happy for him. After all, he is the centre of all our universes. Without Johnson the rest of us would not exist. But Boris has said Brexit is a success, so it must be true. Because Boris would not lie.
Living inside Johnson’s head must be exhausting. The constant need to fend off anything approaching reality. On the prorogation, he was adamant that Lady Hale was bonkers. Because he knew more about the law than a supreme court judge. He had no idea why he kept appointing people to work for him who would always go on to let him down. He had believed Dominic Cummings’ Barnard Castle excuse because it sounded plausible. Why did all these things keep happening to Johnson? He must have been the unluckiest prime minister in history. Yet they must be true. Because Boris would not lie.
It was much the same when Johnson came to be interviewed later in the afternoon by Matt Chorley on BBC Radio 5 Live. Everything was someone else’s fault. Never his own. It was the whips’ fault that the Tories supported Owen Paterson. Not Boris’s for instructing the whips. It was Dilyn the dog’s fault that the No 10 carpets got trashed. Here you could sense a cover-up for an original lie being developed in real time. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to Boris that it was his job to let Dilyn out into the garden. But it all must be true. Because Boris would not lie.
By now we were into scattergun territory, with new realities and altered states being presented almost as quickly as Johnson could breathe. He had won a record majority in 2019. Something even a casual glance at Wikipedia would disprove. It had not been his responsibility to implement Brexit in 2016 even though he was the person who had done most to persuade people to vote for it. At one point he even contradicted something he had written in his own memoir about the £350m on the side of the bus.
Unleashed is already an out-of-date account for Boris and it’s not even officially published till Thursday. The truth is a constant shifting sand, always tantalisingly out of reach. No matter how hard reality comes after him, he’s always scrambling to keep it at bay. Locked into his own narcissistic fantasy. The sociopath’s sociopath. For him, it’s the rest of us who are out of step. So maybe now he will leave us alone for a while. To our small, miserable little lives. We could do with a break.
Taking the Lead by John Crace is published by Little, Brown (£18.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
A year in Westminster: John Crace, Marina Hyde and Pippa Crerar. On Tuesday 3 December, join Crace, Hyde and Crerar as they look back at a political year like no other, live at the Barbican in London and livestreamed globally. Book tickets here or at guardian.live.
