Ryan Matterson says he thought he could count Parramatta's pre-season trials as part of a suspension when he took a three-match ban over a $4000 fine, insisting he would not make the same decision if he had his time over.
Matterson spoke for the first time since last October on the NRL's most controversial suspension on Sunday, after he returned and played a crucial role in Thursday night's win over Penrith.
The Parramatta backrower admitted he had found it hard watching on in the opening three rounds, as the Eels lost narrow matches to Melbourne, Cronulla and Manly.
The 28-year-old was at a Parramatta fan day on the Monday following last year's grand final when he was charged with a crusher tackle, before performing community work on the Tuesday when a call was required on his plea.
Matterson said he spoke to the club several times in those two days, before eventually opting to take a three-game ban rather than pay a fine, while also savaging the NRL over the charge and its use of fines in an interview that week.
"In hindsight I wouldn't have made that decision," Matterson said.
"Unfortunately I had to make that decision after a grand final loss. On the Tuesday when I had to make the decision, I was working with a disability company.
"I thought that trial matches would be included. Obviously they weren't.
"I wouldn't have made the decision in hindsight. It was hard watching the boys."
Parramatta tried several times to apply to the NRL to have Matterson's plea changed to take the fine, as the Eels reasoned there was not enough time for him to consider the ramifications.
Those appeals were ultimately denied, when the NRL told Parramatta through the summer there was no mechanism available to change the punishment.
Regardless, Matterson conceded he only had himself to blame after speaking with the club before the decision was made..
"There were a few phone calls, but there's no excuse," he said.
"I did try and rectify that decision and go back to the NRL and pay the fine but it was too late. And that's fine, it's something I had to deal with."
The NSW State of Origin backrower's decision prompted widespread criticism from current and ex-players, including Sydney Roosters hooker Brandon Smith last weekend.
Andrew Johns, Wendell Sailor, Aaron Woods and Nathan Hindmarsh have been among other players to question Matterson's stance and priorities.
Matterson and Smith will meet on Thursday night, but Matterson said he had closed off from the comments.
"I haven't heard anything, I have just been getting support from my teammates," Matterson said,
"It hasn't been a talking point here because obviously everyone knows what is going on behind closed doors.
"I love the boys, I play my heart and soul for the boys and they do the same for me."
