It is Christmas and Santa has somehow decided – based on no evidence as far as I can see in this blasted hellscape of a year – that we have been good enough to have Mary Berry back. And so, having been put away in (I imagine) tissue paper since she was last needed, like a glass bauble, she has been unwrapped and placed in the television schedules to twinkle at us once more, in Mary Berry’s Highland Christmas.
All unfolds as you might hope and expect. The perfect snowy hair. The distinctive voice, fruity yet as clear as crystal. The poise. The beautiful manicure and blouses. The enthusiasm that never ruffles the serenity, and the serenity that never dampens the enthusiasm (“Lovely shiny gravy!”). And the occasional wild flourish that only posh people can deliver – here, an anecdote about buying a whole salmon for her son’s birthday meal, then realising “I didn’t have a fish kettle or anything!” but finding an old tin bath outside and pressing that into service instead.
She visits Andy Murray and his grandma Shirley, who used to send homemade shortbread with him to every tournament on the condition that she got the tin back. Did I mention we are in Scotland? We are, in the hotel the tennis player owns near his home town, Dunblane. It is time for Murray to learn how to make a better breakfast than his customary fried eggs on bagels – kedgeree. He stirs while Berry chops and they chat about festive traditions. Murray reveals that he sometimes has sushi for Christmas dinner because it’s his favourite meal. “I think,” says Berry, turning the twinkle down for a moment, “it’s – no comment.” When his granny comes back, Andy shows her what they have made. “Lovely,” says Shirley. “Can you remember what you did?” This, ladies and gentlemen, is how you raise a champion.
After the hotel, we are ostensibly back in Berry’s kitchen to make a cranachan-inflected pavlova and some smoked salmon and guacamole bites (you put a circle of smoked salmon between the fried bread base and the guac, you animals, so the base doesn’t get soggy. Come on). Then there’s a detour to a reindeer farm because we’re in the Highlands, where apparently such a thing exists, accompanied by Scottish comedian Iain Stirling , because ditto. Berry and Iain make cheese fondue. It’s a good idea over Christmas, she says, because you can dip absolutely any leftovers in it. This is a very good point and one I intend to carry with me for as many Christmases as I possibly can.
Then there’s a fennel and onion tart (fennel will not become tender unless you boil it for a few minutes before roasting. Don’t make Mary tell you again!) with winter slaw (“It does look remarkable!” she says, delighted with herself). After that, a Highland pie full of luscious beef shin and gravy, topped with puff pastry. Ready-rolled is fine. Some people, Berry adds, bring their own pillow or something on holiday with them. She always brings her own rolling pin. You, I suspect, do not. Remedy that. And put a cup in the middle of the pie mixture before you put the pastry on so that it is supported and doesn’t soak up all the moisture. You know it makes sense. Then get a manicure and put a better blouse on. Look at the state of you.
After a quick zip through a mandatory mulled wine recipe for Mary to serve at a local ceilidh, we are on to stollen. As with the pastry, there is no need to make the marzipan yourself – Berry is a woman of the world and will accept shop-bought. Just make sure the dough is “cram-jam” full of dried fruit and we will all survive the season.
Finally, Scottish singer Emeli Sandé is drafted in to help Mary bake a Bûche de Noël, which is French for yule log, only it sounds more appetising. You make a spongy thing, cover it in cream, and whisky maybe (I’m not sure – despite Mary’s exhortation “Don’t weep!” at various points, I am by this time crying with hunger), roll it up, pipe chocolate ganache all over it, cleverly slice it so it looks like a tree branch, then go out and pretend to be surprised by some carol singers in fake snow because you’re filming in October.
It is lovely. Very soothing. Like shop-bought marzipan, the perfect festive filling. I hope Mary is now safely back in her tissue paper ready to be brought out next year.
• Mary Berry’s Highland Christmas is on BBC One and iPlayer.
