I'm part of an underground, shame-faced group of people who have been slowly, cautiously, revealing themselves to each other over the last week. We are MAFS Viewers Anonymous.
You know that terrible trashy reality show that eats up hours and hours of your life that no one in their right minds would watch? Yes, I love it and I’m addicted.
Married At First Sight Australia, which started its usual run of insanity on Monday on E4, is a particularly joyful version. Perhaps it’s the odd “G’day” or “Galah” or the fact that these Aussies seem even more removed from my reality, but it’s gripping.
This ninth series promises (of course) to be the Most Dramatic Ever, with the experts vowing to be Even More Hard Hitting. An opening montage teased screaming at dinner parties, lots of crying and what looked like a mass walk out. We’ll probably have to wait for episode 35 for that, but I’ll be there.
The premise is that complete strangers get married, then we watch the inevitable car crash as they spend several weeks realising that it was a terrible idea.
Couples have been carefully matched by experts, dating coach Mel Schilling, relationship expert John Aiken and sexologist Alessandra Rampolla.
It starts with plenty of hope and optimism, with everyone banging on about love and the universe and their search for soul stirring fire. Cliches come thick and fast, as soaring background music swells.
It would all be quite moving if it wasn’t for the underlying, simmering tension that they are all surely wannabes hoping for Insta-fame. The sheen wears off pretty quickly.
Tamara made a terrible first impression, after declaring: “If he’s weak, I’ll break him.”She then shouted at new husband Brent because he didn’t use the right cutlery. “My wife’s a psychopath,” concluded Brent, who has a foot phobia.
Producers made Tamara rest her foot on his knee.
Later they made horrified new bride Holly yell “Yee-ha” after discovering her husband was – whisper it – TEXAN.
Yes, it’s a formula that works hard to make them suffer and make us laugh.
Holly had spent years trying to manifest a husband, even using a vision board. I don’t imagine she’d manifested Andrew, the twice-divorced Texan. What if he was hiding a MAGA baseball cap?
Elsewhere, Cody was concerned new wife Selina was moving too quickly. Should someone quickly explain to him the premise of the show?
Already there are villains to hate and sad-saps to pity in this completely unreal universe of beautiful people. Unlike them, I’m fully committed.
