How many times have you heard today's teenagers referred to as ‘snowflakes’? If you haven't, start listening, and you will come across somebody proclaiming that “kids these days need to toughen up. The real world is a harsh place, and the parents aren’t doing them any favours with this soft discipline and trying to be their friend.”
While our society may be starting to embrace gentler parenting methods for babies and younger children, when those children reach double digits in age and a height often taller than their parents, things are a different matter entirely. Teenagers today may not be subjected to the physical discipline that their parents or grandparents received, but that doesn’t mean that they’re getting off lightly. Punishments, removal of personal belongings and freedom (or ‘grounding’ as most know it) and yelling still top the list of discipline methods used on teens today.
At secondary school, discipline has been largely unchanged since the monumental move to outlaw physical discipline at UK state schools in 1986 (yes really, that late!). The standard school discipline approach still very much relies on punishment (now termed ‘consequences’ in an attempt to sound more positive) and the threat of it. Most schools utilise an escalating scale of punishments, starting with a lunchtime detention, moving to after-school detentions and finally isolations (where students spend time alone in a booth or a room) and suspensions and exclusions.
The UK Government’s ‘behaviour tsar’, Tom Bennett a fan of authoritarian behaviourist approaches to behaviour management at school believes it is a “mistake to classify all children who misbehave as being kind of vulnerable, fragile angels” and instead applies a zero-tolerance approach to behaviour. Despite his nine-year Victorian clampdown on teens, since his appointment in 2015, Bennett’s approach has yielded little to no positive results. A recent survey of 9000 teachers commissioned by the BBC found that most believe that behaviour is getting worse. The evidence for using harsh discipline at home mirrors these findings. Not only is it ineffective, but it also sets teens up for lasting mental health problems.
Alternatives to authoritarian approaches
What is the alternative then? Well, if you believe the TV shows and comments I mentioned at the start of this piece, it’s letting your teen walk over you, having zero control over them and never saying “no”. Thankfully the reality is very different. Authoritative discipline, or what I prefer to call ‘gentle discipline’ (because authoritative is hard to both say and spell and often confuses people with its similarity to ‘authoritarian’) has been proven time and again to be the healthiest way of disciplining children, from birth to young adult.
Authoritative discipline places boundaries at its core, with an emphasis on keeping everybody safe, especially teens. The difference with these boundaries is that they are set and upheld respectfully, in collaboration with the teen. If a teen breaches a boundary, instead of receiving an instant punishment, the parent (or teacher) takes the opportunity to understand what happened and discusses with the teen how they can make things right and stick to the boundary in the future. If teens understand the importance of boundaries they are far more likely to stick to them. Authoritative discipline also places huge emphasis on the adult-teen relationship. Instead of demanding respect, there is an understanding that respect has to be mutual and earned. The adult has to be a good role model.
Instead of trying to discipline through control and coercion, behaviour is managed through connection, compassion and communication. Instead of demanding obedience through ‘fear of God’ parenting (yelling, being physically forceful, or constant threats), authoritative parents or teachers work to teach the teen about the repercussions of their behaviour and help them to find solutions that are better for everyone. In short, authoritative discipline aims to teach teens the sort of conflict resolution and problem-solving skills that will set them up for life, particularly when it comes to relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or professional.
When children are small, it is easy to overpower them as an adult twice their size. When they reach their teens, however, you lose the element of fear and control, when the teen answers back, or refuses to stay in their room and parents who previously utilised harsh authoritarian discipline methods come unstuck. These are the parents who post on social media groups saying, “My teen is unruly and out of control, nothing works!”. In fact, the teen years are when those who have used more respectful, gentler, authoritative methods really reap the rewards of their work and revel in the strong relationship they have built with their child. Those who focus on harsh discipline fracture that relationship and drive their teens away, straight into the arms of peer pressure and ‘bad influences’.
The key to the most effective, healthiest, discipline in the teen years is a foundation of mutual respect, understanding, support and empathy. It is the opposite of harshness. When we nurture teens, we help to foster true resilience and confidence, the two attributes teens need to not only successfully live in our ‘harsh world’ today but hopefully grow into the kind of adults who will try to make the world a little less harsh place to live in for those who follow.
For more reading, take a look at:
How to Raise a Teen – by Sarah Ockwell-Smith
For more advice on the teenage years, we asked teenagers what they wish their parents had done differently, and their answers are surprisingly candid, while here are 11 expert-led tips on how to talk to a teenager (even when they don’t want to listen). Meanwhile, this teen expert shares why the belief 'teenagers are lazy' is a myth and how understanding this might help your relationship, and this is the biological reason teens don't listen to mums.
