STORMZ IN A TEACUP
Monday Night Football has prided itself on its cutting-edge innovation ever since Richard Keys and Andy Gray invented football punditry almost 30 years ago to the day. Normally broadcast from a ground-floor studio full of newfangled light-boxes, magic witch portals and other analytical gizmos in Sky’s Isleworth citadel, last night the show went on the road to Old Trafford, all the better to experience first hand the fan protests that would bring the greedy Glazer family to their knees and then have ringside seats for the subsequent slaughter of Manchester United In Crisis by bitter rivals Liverpool.
At least that was the script, but as Mike Tyson once famously sort-of said: “Everyone has a plan till they discover the protest they were hoping for isn’t quite as vociferous as they were expecting, and then the protesting fans’ team wins against all expectations”. What was supposed to be an evening of barely contained rage and fury – motivated by the levels of stagnation to which these American chancers have let the club descend – actually ended up being one of the more euphoric experiences season ticket holders have enjoyed in quite some time.
As protests go, this one was was textbook in its ineffectiveness: an organised “march” from a few pubs the fans would almost certainly have been in anyway, to a football match that nobody involved had any intention of boycotting despite all the pre-match threats of a walkout that would result in an #emptyoldtrafford. You see, that’s the thing about football fans – when push comes to shove most can’t bring themselves to abandon their team in its hour of need. It is on this commendable loyalty that money-hungry leeches like the Glazers depend. Unconcerned by what fans think of them, the Americans don’t care what United supporters chant as long as they do so while wearing expensive replica shirts and clutching season tickets on their way to the ground.
Meanwhile, back on Monday Night Football, Dave and his panel of Jamie Carragher, Gary Neville and Roy Keane stood on the hallowed turf before kick-off and were joined by a revolving cast of extras including a pride of Lionesses and one of Manchester United’s substitutes. Pointedly ignoring his critic, Jamie Carragher, Cristiano Ronaldo had a hug for Keano, while the grumpy Irishman was also enveloped in the warm and almost certainly unwanted embrace from the latest modern-day and almost certainly inferior Manchester United version of himself, Casemiro. Already bemused, the post-match arrival of Stormzy with several children in tow reduced Keano to a post-match state of almost total bafflement. “Sorry, I’m a bit flustered right now,” said Stormzy after being handed a mic and shoved in front of the camera. On a weird night at Old Trafford, he was far from the only one.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“In the end, nobody cares if you have one or two testicles. Sometimes it’s even better with one – like when riding a bike” – Union Berlin defender Timo Baumgartl, who is back in first-team training this week after undergoing surgery and chemotherapy for testicular cancer.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly breaks down events in and around Old Trafford and looks back at the career of Ellen White after she announced her retirement a few seconds after we hit the Big Send Button at Fiver Towers on Monday. Plus, Nick Ames joins the panel on the line in Ukraine on the day their domestic league returns. Listen here.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
Manchester United pass the Premier League’s ceremonial banter club baton to Liverpool, and everything is awesome at Arsenal. It’s David Squires time!
FIVER LETTERS
“To add to the list of matches that should have been postponed, I went to Eastleigh vs Bolton in the FA Cup back in January 2016. Heavy rain left the surface as slippery as an ice rink. Towards the end, a pitch invader ran straight into the penalty box, got a few yards from the ball and then slipped in a way any slapstick comedian would be proud of. A very fun day out for the neutral” – Patrick Garvey.
“I thoroughly enjoyed Manchester United fans’ moving tribute last night to the (almost) 13th anniversary of Liverpool supporters protesting their American ownership by marching from a place they were going to be anyway all the way to another place they were going to be at anyway, just to see their team win unexpectedly. As the great Yogi Berra once said: ‘It’s deja vu all over again’”– Noble Francis.
“Re: Tommy T directing Édouard Mendy under the bus (Monday’s bobs): presumably this was because the wheels of the Chelsea plane were unavailable?” – Elvis Foody.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Elvis Foody.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The jurors in the Ryan Giggs trial have been told they are not overseeing “a court of morals” as they began deliberating their verdicts over claims of domestic abuse and assault.
Another of England’s Euro 2022 heroes, Jill Scott, has also announced her retirement, following Ellen White’s news yesterday. Only Fara Williams has more England appearances than Scott’s 161 appearances caps, and the midfielder played for Manchester City, Aston Villa, Everton and Sunderland in a senior career spanning 18 years.
Family business: Udinese have signed Watford defender Hassane Kamara for a reported £16m, with the Pozzos loaning him back to the Pozzos for this season.
Woah, woah-oh-oh, Raphaël Varane just wants to feel this moment. “I really enjoyed it on the pitch – the atmosphere, the team spirit,” the Manchester United defender cheered after the win over Liverpool. “I came to England to feel these emotions.”
Jürgen Klopp’s injury list at Liverpool is growing ever longer, with Naby Keïta suffering a setback in training. The midfielder joins Curtis Jones, Ibrahima Konaté, Joël Matip, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Diogo Jota, Thiago Alcântara and others in a packed Anfield treatment room.
A bus driver has told of how children hid under seats as a coach carrying Manchester United fans was mistakenly attacked near Old Trafford on Monday night. “Kids were cowering under the seats and in the aisleways,” said Adam Bradshaw. “I’m a Manchester-based firm, with Manchester written all over the back of the bus in massive letters and with a big Manchester bee on it. It’s hard to believe they thought we were Liverpool fans.”
And the Pope’s O’Rangers are heading to Eindhoven without Alfredo Morelos, with the Colombian forward dropped from the squad after getting sent off against Hibernian at the weekend, just 13 minutes after coming off the bench. Oh, Alfredo!
STILL WANT MORE?
“Every participant in this will inscribe themselves into the history of world football. It’s a monumental achievement” – Andriy Pavelko, the Ukrainian FA president, talks to Nick Ames about the return of league football to his war-torn country.
The manner of Ellen White’s retirement is fitting for a player with an immaculate sense of timing, writes Louise Taylor.
Meanwhile, our gallery covers the striker’s key moments for England, Manchester City, Arsenal and beyond.
Protests, Glazer masks, a hard-earned win and a hug from Fred the Red: Casemiro’s first night at Old Trafford was one to remember, writes Andy Hunter.
Are Chelsea really about to hand over £60m in cash to Everton for Anthony Gordon? And who’s sniffing around Elland Road? Find out in today’s Rumour Mill.
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