HERE WE GO AGAIN
At one point during Manchester United’s humiliation at the hands of Tottenham on Sunday, the Sky Sports cameras cut to the posh seats in one of Old Trafford’s stands. There they were, all seated together: the lads. More specifically, the Ineos Brains Trust, all employed by minority shareholder and entitled billionaire Sir Big Jim Ratcliffe. Apparently they are the executive elite, the best of the best and tip of the spear when it comes to football club leadership, administration, finance, player recruitment, analytics and in one specific instance, seeming shifty and unconvincing when appearing before government select committees tasked with combating doping in British sport.
Hunched in their seats, these expensively assembled high-performance hucksters and marginal gains gurus from the football equivalent of Top Gun appeared to be outdoing each other in their efforts to look more gravely concerned than the others by what they were seeing unfold on the pitch. Assorted suits with matching red ties sitting alongside each other but alone with their thoughts; with each almost certainly arriving at the conclusion that “this fiasco certainly isn’t any of my doing”. While it seems pretty obvious that it’s only a matter of time before these members of the Brailsford Hive Mind subject each other and their boss to endless PowerPoint presentations before arriving at the stunningly novel collective conclusion that it’s time to appoint a man whose sole foray into the world of club management ultimately resulted in the relegation of Middlesbrough from the Premier League, nobody seems to have mentioned it to the current head coach.
Having masterminded a team effort so abject that the only player on the pitch to hint they might have the United manager’s back was the predictably profligate Tottenham winger Timo Werner, Erik ten Hag insisted that he and those in whose hands his future lies are – to borrow a phrase from the Tory party – all in this together. It was a sentiment that couldn’t have rung more hollow if it had emanated from the pie-hole of Boris Johnson and the beleaguered Dutchman’s insistence that “we need some time” sounded equally unconvincing given that the 3-0 defeat was right up there with the very worst performances he’s overseen in two-and-a-half years at the club. Even his regular go-to excuse of “injuries” sounded nonsensical, given that Luke Shaw is the only first-team staple currently sidelined, while Spurs were missing Son Heung-min, who would have put away at least one of the chances Werner missed on the frequent occasions he was put through on goal.
Of course no United embarrassment is complete without an addendum from Gary Neville, who stepped up to the plate by describing his former team’s first-half performance as “disgusting”, before adding that professionalism of United’s players being questioned last week by a senior dressing-room figure such as Christian Eriksen should carry more weight than anything a humble pundit such as he might have to say. In other post-match fallout, Tottenham felt compelled to put out a club statement condemning “the abhorrent homophobic chanting from sections of our away support at Old Trafford”, stating that “it is simply unacceptable, hugely offensive and no way to show support for the team”. While largely supported, a quote-tweet from Proud Lilywhites, the official LGBTQ+ wing of Spurs fans did garner a significant number of replies from assorted members of the “woke nonsense” and “it’s only b@nter” brigades, who apparently remain too dimwitted to realise that using the insinuation somebody they don’t like is not straight as a pejorative might in some way be hugely insulting to vast numbers of their own tribe.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I like good VAR … I just want a VAR that helps the referee to take the right decisions” – José Mourinho’s Turkish adventures have continued after he protested against the decision to disallow a Fenerbahce goal. Mourinho placed a laptop in front of a touchline TV camera to display a picture in an effort to show the offside decision was incorrect. He was booked for his troubles.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Oh dear, I can’t support Harry Webb’s idea of voting for the letter o’ the day (Friday’s Football Daily letters). That would turn you into another social disgrace popularity contest. Can you imagine other vengeful authors ensuring that Noble Francis never wins again? I think your arbitrary and inexplicable bottle-spinning decision-making has its own adequate charm” – Ken Muir.
Not sure if I like Harry’s suggestion. Surely that would lead to a rapidly deteriorating situation involving who could aim the most bots to auto-vote for their chosen candidate, as competitive billionaire social media disgrace owners and leaders of despotic regimes inevitably get drawn in, then compete to achieve personal victory. Consequently Football Daily would be responsible for appreciably heightening international tensions, as the inevitable bad feelings about regularly not getting the prizeless letter o’ the day nomination (I speak from personal experience) overflows into bitter resentment and a deteriorating geopolitical situation” – Steve Malone [so you’re saying it’s a no? – Football Daily Ed].
Harry’s idea is a great one. It will reflect how engaged and committed your readership is. Oh” – Andrew Kluth.
Arsenal’s Riccardo Calafiori has been quoted on Italian TV, getting caught up in the excitement and then contradicting himself by saying: ‘It’s a bit early to say I’ve won over the fans, but I’ve made them love me straight away.’ Feels like that’s right up there with Tony Blair’s classic: ‘A day like today, it’s not a day for soundbites really, we can leave those at home. But I feel that, I feel the hand of history upon our shoulder” – Noble Francis.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Andrew Kluth. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
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