Online dating never went “right” for journalist Luke Chilton. In fact, all 212 dates he went on in nearly 10 years of flicking his thumb across his phone screen turned out to be a total swipeout.
It was only when he wrote a murder mystery about online dating to cure his addiction to apps like Tinder that 43-year-old Luke finally met The One... ironically with one last swipe.
Ever been stuck on a bad date, looking at your watch? Wondering if there’s any way you can escape through the bathroom window?
Over the best part of a decade, I went on 212 dates like that – and while I never had to exit windows or run down fire escapes, I had my fair share of close calls.
It all began in 2012 after a long relationship ended and I downloaded my first dating app. From the first swipe, like millions I was addicted. It was like being a gambler on a fruit machine.
Soon, my phone was chock-a-block with Tinder, Inner Circle, Hinge, Bumble, Plenty of Fish – if you could download it, I had a profile on it, complete with flattering photo and pithy bio.
I’d spend hours a day swiping through potential matches. On the bus, at work, even in the loo during dates.
As a shy person, I’d always found it hard to talk to women in bars, but the dating apps changed everything.
Soon, every other evening was spent conducting small talk over a game of mini-golf or trying to flirt while salsa dancing (badly). But while it was easy to get a match, the dates themselves didn’t always go smoothly.
I went for pizza with one woman, a West End theatre producer. Just as our food arrived, her phone rang. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I have to step outside to take this, it’s Jake Gyllenhaal.” I barely had time to say, “What, the A-list Hollywood actor?” before she was out the door.
I sat for 10 minutes before realising she wasn’t coming back, and ate both pizzas.
Then I met a date in a pub, and during drink two she announced she was married. “We have a very open relationship,” she said. There was no second date.
One weekend, I flew to Zurich for a date with an astrologer. We had a romantic meal, but the next day I had to fly home. She was great, but I didn’t have the air miles to make it work.
I did meet some amazing people – from a professional Posh Spice impersonator and the CEO of a marshmallow factory to a junior doctor and a ballet dancer.
All were from dating apps. Probably about 20 led to second dates and many have remained friends. But I wasn’t after quick hook-ups – I wanted The One. It seemed like no one met “in the real world” any more. And all of them fizzled out.
After every date, I’d ask myself: “Is this her?” But as I deliberated, my phone would flash with another potential One. Dates blurred into each other – the same questions about jobs and hobbies, the same awkward goodbyes. I’d jump on the No 169 home and never see them again. Often, one would tell me 21st century dating left them feeling disposable too.
Frustrated, I began researching how dating apps work. After hours of Googling and chatting to tech-savvy friends, I was shocked.
Not only do these apps calculate matches based on what seem your specific preferences (e.g. if you don’t swipe right on gingers, the app will show you fewer of them), they also use an algorithm to rank you, based on how many “right swipes” you get. If not hot enough, down the ranks you go.
Worst of all, the programming was designed solely to keep you swiping, single and on the app.
I’d become a dating zombie, and it seemed there was only one way out – delete the apps and give up on love.
Then, in March 2020, the pandemic made dating almost impossible so I used the spare time to start pouring a decade of my experiences onto my laptop. Digital age dating made people seem so expendable, so I imagined a murder mystery where a killer uses a dating app to find victims.
The scribblings became my first novel, Don’t Swipe Right. It’s the story of Gwen Turner – after a break-up she tries a new dating app. Each man she meets is more toxic than the last, but she can “un-match” and not have to think about them again. That is, until she matches with a serial killer intent on murdering all the men she’s dated.
As Gwen tries to track down her dates before the killer can reach them, she discovers the real people behind the app profiles. In the end, the solution to the mystery lies as much within herself as her terrible dates.
The book made me begin to realise the same. People I dated were more than a handful of photos on my mobile to be scrutinised and eliminated like interviewees for a job. My dates weren’t the problem, I was.
In September 2020, after six dateless months, I was ready to delete all the apps. But when I looked one last time, I saw the profile of a Brazilian who worked in education technology and liked Star Wars. Would one last swipe hurt? Just like Gwen in my book, I decided to trust my gut. A week later I met Danielle Carvalho in a wine bar. As we sipped rosé and nibbled on cheese, I told her I was writing a book about serial killers on dating apps.
Amazingly, she agreed to a second date – the first of many strolls around London’s Victoria Park.
She was 38, funny and charming. She’d had enough of the apps too, and teased me about my terrible dating record. We shared the same love of words and stories, and she wasn’t afraid to make fun of me. She was my lucky number 13. Well, 213.
Six months later, I got the phone call every writer dreams about – the book had been picked up by a publisher. And this week, Don’t Swipe Right will be in bookshops. So far, it’s being translated into 10 different languages, including Japanese, German, Portuguese, Greek and Italian. It will be published in the US next year, and the TV rights have been snapped up.
My years of disastrous dating had finally paid off. But better than any of that, I’d found my soulmate – worth much more to me than any book deal.
The dating apps have gone for ever. Danielle has moved in with me and we’ll celebrate our third anniversary this year. The book might be called Don’t Swipe Right but ironically, in the end, I was very glad I did.
Don’t Swipe Right by L M Chilton is published by Head of Zeus on June 22. At Amazon and all good bookshops.
Online dating
The do's
Be honest Even white lies about your age or height get found out. Be upfront right from the beginning.
Use recent photos Snaps older than two years are unacceptable.
Check your grammar Bad spelling can be an instant turn-off.
And don'ts
Don't be sleazy Save the hardcore flirting for the third date when you’re absolutely sure you’re both on the same page.
Don't wear sunglasses in every photo People want to see your face, remember!
No multiple messaging If someone doesn’t reply, don’t hound them. Move on.
