The actual season is dead, long live the transfer window.
It’s been less than a week since the domestic campaign came to a conclusion. But while Manchester City - and Jack Grealish in particular - are still celebrating their 2022/23 achievements, for the rest of the world attention is already turning towards 23/24.
On Wednesday, the transfer window officially opened for Premier League clubs, kicking off two-and-a-half-months of rumours, speculation, made-up transfer experts and pretending to know who the 17-year-old Brazilian your favourite team just signed actually is.
To celebrate Football Twitter ’s favourite part of football in that it isn’t actually football, we’ve dusted off our trusty crystal ball to predict X things that will definitely* happen this summer.
* These things probably won’t actually happen.
Man Utd finally land their striker
In a transfer saga that goes right down to the wire, Erik ten Hag does get the striker he wanted all along - Teemu Pukki. After failing to get Harry Kane, watching Victor Osimhen sign for Chelsea and seeing Bayern Munich land Rasmus Hojlund, United tread a familiar path with another Championship striker.
After the unmitigated success of Wout Weghorst, the Red Devils have no issue in picking a left-field option again. Old Trafford bosses are delighted to get a deal over the line for a player who has hit double figures in two different Premier League seasons.
Ten Hag brags about how the free agent can play across his forward line and uses him as both a centre forward and a No.9. He celebrates his one goal really passionately which gets the fans on board, Richard Keys calls him ‘Teemu Mukki’ a nickname we all accept is mildly funny.
Wout gets his dream move
Speaking of Weghorst, the big Dutchman joins Everton in a transfer that I’m not entirely sure hasn’t happened already. He becomes the latest in a long line of richly successful striker transfers which also includes Cenk Tosun and Neal Maupay.
Weghorst scores two on his debut and the country immediately thinks we were all wrong about him. We weren’t, he ends the season on two goals.
Chelsea bid for their own player
In a quest to sign every footballer on the planet, Chelsea accidentally put in a bid for their own player. “This was a statistical inevitability, but we are not afraid to continue to do things differently,” Todd Boehly explains as the bid for Malang Sarr is turned down.
Two weeks later news emerges that the Blues have lodged a £45m bid for an unknown South American star who turns out to be a Football Manager regen. He is offered an eight-year contract.
Mbappe runs out of stamps
After sending letters to every media company in France explaining that he wants to leave, he tries to post another saying he actually wants to say. Furious that the postbox has already been emptied, he is informed of the newly-fangled fax machine.
He proceeds to send updates on the hour, every hour, while telling everyone that will listen that “I put the paper in here, and it ends up all the way over there!”
He stays with PSG, there’s a big parade, everyone wears new shirts celebrating his contract extension. We go again.
Brighton test the waters
Frustrated with every team in Europe attempting to poach their players, the Seagulls decide to see whether anyone is really watching them. Roberto De Zerbi hails the arrival of their latest signing, heaping praise on his record in the Norwegian second division.
Brighton put out a press release that the undisclosed midfielder has scored three on his debut. They receive four £45m offers for a bloke from the ticket office they put in a replica kit.
Barcelona pull some more levers
Following several warnings from LaLiga that they wouldn’t be able to spend a penny, Barcelona somehow sign seven players at a total cost of £300m. Nobody really knows how they’ve managed it, but we make a collective pact to pretend we understand it all.
Ruben Neves arrives in a deal which will see them shell out £8 to Wolves upfront, with the remaining fee paid through Klarna. Mes Que Un Club.
Liverpool get their business done early
“We really wanted to complete our midfield rebuild early and so we are really happy to get another deal over the line,” Jurgen Klopp beams as the fourth midfielder arrives before the middle of July.
The first three games of pre-season sees Liverpool score 15 without conceding and they are quickly anointed as best of the rest. In the following six weeks, all of their senior midfielders succumb to some kind of injury, including at least one stepping on a rake.
In the final hours of the window, Klopp puts up the bat signal and Arthur Melo signs on another season-long loan deal.
West Ham cut out the middle man
Rather than waste their time officially announcing their new big-money striker, the Hammers confirm he has been sold in the same press release. They did want to recoup the £40m paid for him, but accepted that a guaranteed record of no goals in 34 games would mean £15m is more acceptable.
David Moyes tells fans not to worry as Michail Antonio will play every minute of every game in every competition.
Whoever signs the most players ‘wins’ the window
Plenty of candidates for this award, but with Unai Emery in his first full summer and a new sporting director set to arrive, I’ll predict Aston Villa. They will sign nine players for their upcoming European campaign, and will be the overwhelming ‘winner’ of the window.
This is the annual award decided exclusively by who has the most shiny new toys. Most neutrals won’t be too fussed either way, but will fume at their own team for not signing every player that arrives at Villa Park.
Emery will land a few high-profile names and there will be countless column inches over whether they can gatecrash the top four.
Brighton will be the actual winners of the window. Obviously.
