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A man has sparked a debate after he didn’t get a large wedding gift for his sister who eloped, but did splurge on one for his sister who hosted a wedding.
In a recent post shared to the popular “Am I The A**hole?” Reddit forum, a man asked if he was in the wrong for not giving his sibling as “generous” of a gift he gave his other sister, who had “a traditional wedding.” After explaining that he’s 15 years older than his two siblings, he acknowledged that the three of them “didn’t really grow up together,” so he felt “more like an uncle” to them than a big brother.
However, he’s still been a part of momentous occasions in his siblings’ lives, and when his sister Katie got married two years ago, it was quite an expensive event.
“I don’t know how much they spent but I know my parents and her husband only were able to contribute for about half the cost,” he wrote. “The rest was my sister and her husband paying for it. They were super cool and let me and my wife bring our two kids, even though I later found out the venue charged the same for kids as adults for the food and everything.”
The Reddit user added that it “meant a lot” to him and his wife that his family was included in the wedding, so they gifted the then-newlyweds $500 as a wedding present.
His other sister, Jess, had more of a laid-back celebration, as she told her family when she got engaged that she would most likely elope. He emphasized that Jess and her partner were “not the type to throw a big wedding,” before describing their elopement, which he didn’t attend.
“They announced a couple of weeks ago that they eloped in the mountains with just them and the necessary witness. I was happy for them and didn’t feel like I missed out on anything,” he wrote. “I’ve been to enough weddings that I don’t have [fear of missing out]. I’m just happy they had what felt right for them.”
He also shared that since Jess didn’t have a wedding, he didn’t get her and her husband a present. However, the newlyweds were buying their first home together, so the Reddit user got them a $100 gift card to Home Depot.
“I remember when I first bought my first home there was a lot of home improvement stuff and I made about 100 trips there so thought it would be a nice gift,” he added.
However, Jess “felt a certain way” about the gift when she found out what her brother got their sister Katie after she got married. The Reddit user and Jess went on to disagree about the present, with the newlywed saying she felt disrespected by her brother.
“She made a comment about feeling like their marriage wasn’t respected enough because they didn’t throw a big party and said it felt like I was showing favoritism,” he wrote. “I told her I gave Katie more because she hosted my whole family and I know how expensive that is having paid for my own wedding. Jess kinda rolled her eyes and walked away after that interaction and we haven’t talked about it since.”
The Reddit post has quickly gone viral, amassing more than 7,300 upvotes. In the comments, multiple people defended the man’s decision to give Katie the more expensive gift, since she had such a big, pricy wedding. They also described how often there are different expectations for what to get couples after they elope.
AITAH for not giving my sister who eloped as generous as a gift as my sister who had a traditional wedding?
byu/AccordingLine9649 inAmItheAsshole
“You got a wedding gift for the older sister partly to cover the cost of four plates at their wedding. For my wedding last year, which wasn’t flashy, dinner was more than $100 a plate. Your $500 gift wouldn’t have covered the cost of your dinner, I think. At the end of the day, you likely helped fund their wedding and nothing more,” one wrote.
“You’re correct, eloping comes with different expectations. Formal etiquette requires a nice gift when you attend a wedding, and doesn’t expect any gift when you don’t attend. It’s nice to give a gift if you want, but it’s expected to be smaller than you would have given at a wedding - exactly as you did,” another wrote.
“My wife and I eloped. Months later my mom asked if we were going to do an open house. We never did, nor did we expect family to give us anything. It’s just what happens when you elope versus having a traditional wedding,” a third shared.
However, some Reddit users expressed that they understood why Jess would be upset and question her relationship with her brother, after learning that her sister got a more elaborate wedding present.
“A wedding gift should reflect how close you are to the couple and your own finances, and not be influenced by the amount of flowers at the ceremony. It’s your sister. Regardless of celebration, treating them fairly equal is the most appropriate approach,” another wrote. “You are celebrating the marriage and helping them get a start in their new life. Not buying meals.”
“You didn’t do a good job here. I assure you that no one cares but you about the ‘logic’ behind the gift,” another wrote. “You are free to do whatever you want, but the disparity is going to hurt your sister, AND IT DID, for showing remarkable financial prudence and responsibility by foregoing a party and instead building the substantive foundations of a marriage through creating a home.”
“People are harping on weird s*** about the apparent politics of wedding ceremonies, but what this actually boils down to is if you want to maintain an equal relationship with both of your sisters,” a third wrote.
